Free Fiendish Schemes by K. W. Jeter

“But bear with me. I have come all this way to inform you that this possibility of beating the Sea & Light Book has become real—or tantalizingly close to real— due to the means having been developed to actually communicate with the sentient oceans. That worthy organization of which I had previously informed you I am a member, the Lord’s Mission to the Cetaceans, was originally created to minister to sailors on board ocean-going ships. But now the organization has an altered name and a different purpose: having determined that whales are intelligent enough to convert to Christianity, Father Jonah—our Mission’s leader—believes as well that since whales are actually mammals, complete with vestigial legbones inside their rear flukes, they might actually be one of the lost tribes of Israel mentioned in the Bible.”
    “This Father Jonah individual seems to be a lunatic.”
    “He might well be,” conceded Stonebrake. “I have been associated with him for some time, and many of the things he proclaims have begun to give me pause. So much so that I and others have come to believe that there is not much future for us in the Mission. Its operations had been funded in the past by certain wealthy and pious patrons in Clapham Common, who had been swayed to open their purses by the Father’s charismatic fervour. However, his notions about the whales have, quite frankly, put some of those people off. Many of them feel that their moneys might better underwrite charitable endeavours such as transporting hundreds of indigent families to some place known as Borrioboola-Gha, on the left bank of the Niger, there to cultivate coffee and educate the natives in the Church of England’s basic catechism.”
    “If I had funds for charity, I would be more likely to give it for that purpose than for Christianizing whales.”
    “Exactly. As other Mission members have decided in concert with me, high-minded pursuits are all very fine, but at a certain point one must look out for one’s self. I do not intend to starve to death aboard Father Jonah’s evangelical ship; that being the case, I might as well be rich.”
    A frown set upon my face. “I still don’t see how that is to be accomplished.”
    “Simply enough. The Mission’s leader is something of a naturalist as well as preacher, and rather better at the former than the latter. You are aware, I hope, that whales are capable of emitting extended sequences of noises, that some even describe as songs?”
    “They might be capable of singing Italian operas, for all I know.”
    “Take it on faith, then. Using a variety of devices, similar to those ear trumpets used by the incipient deaf—but modified to be lowered into the water—Father Jonah has made an exhaustive study of these songs and other sounds performed by the whales. He claims—and I have ample reason to believe this to be true—that he is at last able to understand what the whales are saying.”
    “Indeed,” I said. “So both you and he have taken leave of your senses.”
    “Not so.” Stonebrake’s retort was emphatic. “I have heard and seen the proof of these assertions. And more—Father Jonah has modified the pipe organ installed aboard the Mission’s ship, that before was used for the accompaniment of hymn- singing. With it, he is able to produce noises similar to the whales’ songs, and thus communicate back to them.”
    “Really? And what do he and the whales talk about? Theology, or just the events of the day?”
    “Mock as you will, but what I say is true.”
    “I neither doubt it or accept it. For the time being, I will take an agnostic opinion on the matter.”
    “Fair enough,” allowed Stonebrake. “As to the subject of their conversations, I fear that Father Jonah, due to his advanced age, has grown a bit senile. He seems only interested in preaching to the whales. Perhaps that is only to be expected. But I and other members of the Mission are more intrigued by another discovery made by