Free The Christmas Pig: A Very Kinky Christmas by Kinky Friedman Page A

brushstroke. The painting is to be unveiled after the midnight mass at Eddystone Castle in the presence of King Jonjo, the entire royal court, the priests, and all the townspeople. If I were to include you in the painting, they would all be horrified and the king would very likely retract his commission and the painting would be considered a failure and we would lose the farm and you and I would have no place to live.”
    “But, dear Benjamin, it’s so unfair. Why can’t a pig be in the manger scene with all the other animals?”
    “Because the Ancient Hebrews considered the pig to be unclean.”
    “Where are the Ancient Hebrews now?” said Valerie, sniffling a bit.
    “They’re all dead,” said Benjamin.
    “Good,” said Valerie.
    There was no reason for Benjamin to be feeling guilty but he did. He didn’t like the feeling but he just couldn’t seem to shake it. He’d never felt guilty before. That was probably because he’d never had a friend before.
    “But Benjamin dear, it’s so dreadfully unfair. You see how clean I am. If you place any animal or any person inside a pen and keep them locked up inside, they will become dirty, too. Surely you see that, dear Benjamin.”
    “Valerie, as a friend I would put you in the nativity scene. As an artist, I cannot.”
    “Oh, Benjamin,” cried Valerie, “my mind understands but my heart does not. I thought we were friends.”
    At this point, she turned away from the boy and broke down into deep, uncontrollable sobbing. Benjamin did not know what to do or say. For the first time in his life he felt something break inside his heart.
    “Please stop crying, dear Valerie,” he said.
    But the pig did not stop crying. And Benjamin felt very sad, indeed.
    “Valerie, dear,” he said at last. “No friend is worth your tears except the one who never makes you cry.”

Chapter Seventeen
The Dog, the Cat,
and the Three Wise Men
    H ITCHCOCK THE ROOSTER found his place on the canvas and the days and nights went by, but things did not feel quite the same to Benjamin. Valerie pretended like nothing had happened but she seemed colder and older and she wasn’t eating very well. She would occasionally offer a supportive comment here and there to the young artist, but you could tell her heart wasn’t really in it. Her mind was still as sharp as ever, for instance, when she pointed out to Benjamin that the dog and the cat were not true barnyard animals and hence should not be included in a traditional portrayal of the manger. But Benjamin was rushing now and felt limited as to what he had to work with, and he plowed right ahead placing Sambo the dog and Cuddles the cat into the adoring circle of animals surrounding the Baby Jesus.
    The work itself was really starting to take shape. Even Valerie had to admit that. All that was left were the three wise men and Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, of course, and there was still one week to go, always allowing for the time it’d take to deliver the finished art to Eddystone Castle.
    Benjamin felt many new emotions coursing through his young soul, feelings he never remembered feeling before. He felt good, he felt tired, he felt exhilarated, and he felt kind of sad about Valerie. But Valerie, true to her strong feminine nature, put up a brave front. She was determined not to let any man, even a ten-year-old, get the best of her. Inside, however, her heart had yet not come to terms with being excluded from Benjamin’s art. There was still hope, of course. It was a work in progress. There was yet a little time for a friend to change his mind.
    “It feels like a very cold night,” said Benjamin, looking around for Valerie, as he pulled the quilt a bit tighter around his shoulders. But Valerie didn’t answer. Benjamin was having a minor technical problem fitting the three wise men into the entrance to the manger. He had a fairly good idea what they would look like if he could just get them there.
    “Valerie dear,” he called again. Still, there