Free vicarious.ly by Emilio Cecconi Page B

cold, I walked back home with my empty cup of coffee.
    Shit. Back to the drawing board.

Remnants – February 2013
    It kills me that I consider myself to be a very level headed person who plays mathematical odds when it comes to the decisions I make in life. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that Michelle was right when she told me that “the odds play me” a few months back. I thought that I was able to get where I am in life right now by systematically playing it safe and betting on the path of least resistance for success. That would explain why I decided to go into a corporate career as opposed to an academic career in linguistics where I would probably never be successful in right?
    The night after I met Diego, I did something very uncharacteristic of myself. I started thinking I’m not quite as rational and level headed as I thought. Bear with me here, I bought my first lottery ticket. I spent two dollars on one. You may agree or disagree with me, but for years I have been rallying that buying lottery tickets is a statistically losing proposition that masochistically caters to a person’s sense of hope. The same goes for roulette or slots.
    I felt so out of place buying a lottery ticket that I put on a sweatshirt, hid under my sunglasses, went into the convenience store, filled out a ticket, and left before anyone could see me. Buying the ticket wasn’t the strangest part, the couple of days afterwards waiting for the drawing were. For a good 48 hours, I convinced myself that it was possible, if not probable, that I would hit the jackpot and finally achieve my financial goals without having to work another day in my life. Then I could retire to do anything I wanted to do. I thought about what it would be like to write the next American novel, sail around the world, spend time studying words… oh hell then I started daydreaming about how amazing it would be if I could give Eden another stab.
    I didn’t win the lottery. Was I upset? Yes, I was upset that I started actually thinking about Eden again. Also, I’m upset that maybe the decisions that I make aren’t always grounded in a statistical understanding of maximizing my outcomes. What was I even trying to maximize these past few years? I have maximized my economic potential given the cards that I was dealt my senior year. Did I maximize other things though? I like my career and the friends I talk to. The couple of things that are missing are a romantic partner and Eden.
    The romantic partner issue is my fault alone. I’ve come to realize that I do like to live in a fictitious world in which I spend time daydreaming about a girl who I believe exists in real life. Truth of the matter is I like spending time in my daydreams more than I do with the person that exists in the real world. I came to this conclusion after I talked to my therapist about my last encounter with Michelle. She found it especially interesting that I juxtaposed my memory of her and Kyla the way I did. My therapist said that I’m spinning my own story in which I function as the antagonist to all my goals. I’m still trying to wrap myself about that statement. I’m not sure I believe that my therapist knows me better than I know myself.
    You might have caught onto something I said earlier. Yes I finally said it and admit to it, I miss Eden. But why, I really can’t think of any rational reason to why I miss the days that I worked on Eden. I just do, it was something that I enjoyed. It gave me satisfaction in ways I can’t describe.
    A few days ago the feeling of nostalgia started overpowering me so much that I decided to take a walk back to campus. It only takes about fifteen minutes to get there from my apartment via the T but it’s been at least two years since I have been there. Two years ago I only went there to go to this one Tex-Mex restaurant Paul was so fond of. I guess my memories of college are so interlaced with Eden, I don’t know how to revisit them so I just have