Free Fore! Play by Bill Giest

bushes and hung it up on a tree stump, destroying the steering.
     They ruined the ignition system. They crashed it into and through our fence. Finally, they hit the house itself, causing $800
     in damage. One time, our nieces and nephews didn’t break it—my daughter’s teenaged friends did. They took it out for a spin
     (possibly after a few beers) on some rural roads, a venture on which they were spotted (despite having camouflaged it with
     weeds and tree branches) driving it into the local airport and onto a ferry boat. They returned pushing the broken cart, which
     bore a cargo of stolen lawn ornaments. You wouldn’t think there’d be all that many things that could go wrong with a simple
     golf cart, but there are, especially when it’s used as an all-terrain vehicle.
    There are fancy carts at the show costing almost as much as cars. Some look like street hot rods—’35 Chevies and ‘34 Fords—outfitted
     with coolers under the hoods, phone jacks, brake lights, horns, cigarette lighters, and turn signals. There are classy Duesenberg
     estate golf carts, too.
    And you know those pull carts? For about $1,100 you don’t have to pull them. You push buttons on a remote control and the
     TS-1 Lectronic Kaddy runs all over the course, terrifying other golfers. “You’ll want the ‘Hill Tamer’ feature,” says the
     salesman. Hell yes. Got to have Hill Tamer. And “worm gear drive”! Sure. The company motto is “Break par, not your back.”
    If you don’t want to spend that kind of dough, there’s the Cart Wizard, which Velcros the pull cart to the back of your belt
     and you pull it like a horse pulling a cart.
    “You can’t underestimate the fatigue factor in golf,” says the salesman. “It could cost you five strokes, minimum.”
    Golf Cart: -5 strokes (although the pros walk, and Warning: Golf carts with built-in beer coolers may double your score on
     the back 9)

    I play bare-handed and that is wrong. Golf gloves make all the difference. For one thing you look cooler, and you have a better
     grip (especially when you or your beer can is sweating). “Steve” says he wears his when he’s masturbating. That way he doesn’t
     give himself any sexually transmittable diseases.
    If you give a tinker’s damn about our rain forests you’ll buy possum-skin gloves. Personally, it makes
my
skin crawl to think of touching that of a possum, but it turns out the little bastards are destroying New Zealand’s rain
     forests! Read the brochure for the Gripper natural possum-skin gloves: “Brought to New Zealand in 1837, the possum flourished
     in the absence of natural predators and now poses a serious environmental threat to New Zealand’s native rain forest, consuming
     21,000 tons of foliage per day!!! By attempting to keep the possum population in check, the Gripper is helping to preserve
     and maintain New Zealand’s delicate balance of nature.”
    Kill ‘Em and Wear ‘Em. Now!
    I don’t know if the kangaroo is destroying Australia’s rain forests or not, or if Australia even has any rain forests, but
     you can help by buying K’Rooz kangaroo leather golf gloves, which are thinner yet last four times longer than cabretta leather,
     according to a usually reliable source, the Kangaroo Industry Association of Australia. “You’ll feel more confidence and have
     lower scores,” they say.
    There are fleece-lined gloves for nuts who play in cold weather, gloves with magnets and copper inserts, special cart driving
     gloves, and the Crazy Q glove, which has weights in it and may actually allow you to cheat undetected. Like illegally weighted
     bats in baseball, these weighted gloves are said to increase impact power by 5 to 10 percent, causing ten to twenty yards
     of extra distance.
    Possum, Kangaroo, or Cheating Gloves: -3 strokes

    One of my favorite products at the show is “GOLF—the essence of the game” cologne, “crisp and clean with a sophistication
     associated with low