Free Nasty Vampire Nun by Claudia D. Zawa Page B

out.”
    “Jesus! You have to call the cops.”
    “No! I'm too scared.” He was crying. “It's over. It's just over. Please...”
    I paced around the kitchen.
    “But what about Alaska? What about the fucking Eskimos?”
    “Yea. No. Sorry.”
    I started getting angry.
    “You said you'd save me from Joe. You promised me paradise .”
    “What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I have to go now. I think Elsa's awake.”
    “Fuck her!” I said the next thing in an intense whisper. “And fuck you.”  
    I hung up and sat on the couch (avoiding Joe's empty beer cans), crying into my hands. I went into the bathroom and washed my face. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. 
    You're a failure , the face said back. You have done nothing with your life. You don't deserve to live. I hate looking at you.  
    I went into the kitchen and got a knife and held it against my wrist. I was shaking so bad. I bit my lip, trying desperately to sum up the courage to do it – to just DO IT. But I couldn't. I threw the knife into the sink and wept.
    You can't even do that right. Loser. Now go hang yourself in the woods.
    “Okay.”
    I put on some clothes and went outside.
     
    After an hour of walking down a dirt road (the occasional passing car honking at me), I reached my destination: The Suicide Woods, aka Hanging Trees, the place people go to die, all by hanging. I didn't need to bring rope. I'd surely find one there. The entrance looked like a giant mouth – the darkness beyond singing sounds of crickets and hallow winds. I walked in carefully, staring at the sharp, leafless, black branches above me. They looked like elongated fingers ready to pick me off my feet. The further in I walked, the colder it got. I hugged myself, looking around for the perfect place to die. What spot best represented who I was?
    I came before an ugly, obese tree. It looked as if it had been on fire at some point. I walked around it, to the back, and saw...the body, hanging by a good length of yellow rope. I was horrified, but at the same time curious. The corpse looked fresh. Its hands were well manicured. It was in a fancy business suit. I couldn't tell if the body was male or female. The head was nothing but a skull. I pushed against the corpse, and a family of centipedes oozed out from its eye holes. The body's suitcase was nearby – a small note taped to it.
    “Dear World,” it read. “Fuck you for not making life easier. You made me do this.”
    I liked the note, so I took it and walked on.
    Deeper into the heart of the woods, I arrived at (to my amazement) an old pirate ship. I walked closer in awe. It was old and covered in vines. A crude hole was in its hull, maybe created by an enemy cannonball long ago. Seeing a dim light inside, I walked in. The scent of the ocean filled my nostrils. I was in a large room of dangling red sheets and candles. A woman slept on a bed, naked.
    Vampire , said a voice in my head.
    I caught my breath. I had never seen anything so gorgeous – not even Mike matched her beauty. I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, she began to move, squirming with her hands between her thighs, her eyes shut tight, her tongue licking her lips. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was slowly walking towards her. I was hypnotized....
    A strong breeze filled the room and the red sheets fluttered violently, covering my view of the erotic woman. It was as if the sheets were attacking me. I began to think this was a mistake, that I should have never entered the ship. I began to panic. I wanted to run away... When I turned around, I was face to face with the mystery woman. I gasped.
    “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.”
    The woman grinned – her jet black hair blowing in the breeze; her black lips shimmering candlelight.
    “What is your name?”
    I struggled to remember.
    “M-Megan.”
    “Well, M-Megan, looks like this is your lucky day.”
    “You're not going to kill me, are you?”
    She laughed.
    “No, no. In