Free Monkey Business by John R. Erickson Page A

May’s going to kill us!”

Chapter Twelve: The Firing Squad

    M onkey Business
    Now, every creature on this earth
    Needs a business to prove his worth,
    Something to test his skills and express himself.
    You’ve got plumbers and cowboys and carpenters,
    Butchers, bakers, and saw sharpeners,
    Guys who sack up groceries and stock the shelves.
    Your business kind of sets the tone
    Of who you are and how you’re known.
    And it’s pretty important to pick one you understand.
    So get yourself a business, son,
    If you ain’t there yet, I’ll tell you one.
    And you’d better buy stock in this one while you can.
    Monkey business, monkey fun,
    Monkey room for everyone.
    Enroll yourself today in monkey school.
    We’ve got a booming business here.
    Depression-proof, owned free and clear.
    And all you’ve got to do is act a fool.
    Your local Better Business folks
    Will probably tell you funny jokes
    And call our line of work a big charade.
    But the joke’s on them, it seems to me,
    When the truth’s so very plain to see,
    That monkey business is everybody’s favorite trade.
    So eat your heart out, Wall Street smarties,
    Take GM, we’ll take our parties,
    And in ten years we’ll just see what we’ve done.
    We’ll have show-and-tell, we’ll have a quiz,
    I’ll put my dough on monkey biz
    â€™Cause fools outnumber wise men ten to one.
    Monkey business, monkey fun,
    Monkey room for everyone.
    Enroll yourself today in monkey school.
    We’ve got a booming business here,
    Depression-proof, owned free and clear,
    And all you’ve got to do is act a fool, oh yeah.
    You’ve got to play this game by funky monkey rules, oh yeah.
    In monkey business, boys, just act a fool.
    Well, me and my monkey pal sang the heck out of that song, had us a big time. We not only made a great contribution to music and culture, but we also notched up a few points for the Brotherhood of All Animals.
    I mean, there I was, a very important dog, socializing with a low-class monkey who went around begging nickels in the circus. The fact that I would stoop so low made my heart swell with pride and almost brought tears to my eyes.
    One of the advantages of being wonderful is that you can share it with others. Gives you a warm feeling inside.
    Well, me and Monkey had a great time to­gether, but old Sour Puss Drover sat through the whole thing and didn’t sing a lick. When we finished, instead of cheering and shouting, as any intelligent dog would have done, he started whining and moaning.
    â€œWhen Sally May comes home, your monkey business is going to get us killed!”
    I glanced around the kitchen. It was a little messy, now that he mentioned it.
    â€œRelax, Drover. We’ve got plenty of time. We’ll get us a bite to eat and clean this mess up. Then our pal Monkey will open the back door for us, and we’ll all vanish into the sunset, so to speak. Right, Monk?” He nodded. “See? Nothing to worry about.”
    â€œHank, I want out now. I’m scared.”
    â€œOkay, fine, and who cares anyway? Monk, go open the back door and let the runt out so he can play chicken with the chickens.”
    Monk nodded, and they went to the back of the house. While they were gone, I turned to more important business. Among the items that had, uh, somehow spilled out of the open refrigerator was a package of, hmmm, hamburger.
    I gave it a good sniffing. Sure smelled good. Fresh meat. Of course, I knew that Sally May had thawed it out for the supper meal and I wouldn’t have dreamed of . . . but on the other hand, hamburger doesn’t keep well at room temperature and . . .
    I found my nose nuzzling at the wrapping paper. You know, I was sniffing it out and, by George, would you believe that the wrapping paper just fell off, leaving two pounds of fresh, juicy ham­burger exposed to germs and dangerous microbes and . . .
    Have you ever stopped to think how