Free High society by Ben Elton Page B

doesn’t exist. We want to make people aware of the extent of drug use in this country. What we’re saying is that the law is making criminals of an entire generation and that we all have to suffer the consequences of their crimes. We need somebody, somebody young, very high profile, a hero, an icon, to associate with our cause, to come forward and admit to their own regular drug use and to that of their friends. Someone who will be completely upfront and cut through the bullshit, someone who will explain that he moves in a circle where drug use is an integral part of the recreational lifestyle. We need someone to talk about what their experiences of drugs were at school, at raves and at rock concerts. Someone to spark a national debate.’

ST HILDA’S CHURCH HALL, SOHO
    Y eah, just like Noel Gallagher did when he said getting on an E was like having a cup of tea. The only fookin’ debate he sparked was the entire press and politicians and cops and whatever crapping on his head from a very great height. They made him out to be some kind of irresponsible moron for saying what everyone knows anyways, which is that as far as the lads and lasses down my way are concerned, E is the new lager. But as it happens I wasn’t even thinking of the shit I’d be getting into if I agreed to be this daft twat’s stooge, because — get this — I didn’t believe a word he was saying. I was that strung out on charlie that I had that well-known ‘side effect’, as the cop would have put it, of suddenly being completely and utterly paranoid.
    ‘Honest, if you do enough coke — and any user will tell you there ain’t never ever enough — you can believe your own mum hates your guts and thinks your music’s crap. So obviously being a nose-bleeder from way back I was convinced that this was a sting, right? An entrapment or whatever. I reckoned that all I had to do was say, ‘Yeah, sure, I’ve been a coke’ead for years and all my old mates would be coke’eads too if they had the dosh but instead they’re all fookin’ up their ‘eads with dodgy speed,’ and about fifty Drug Squad goons would leap out of the beer fridge and stick me away for ever.
    ‘So, let me tell you, I ignored the MP bastard and gave my answer straight to the copper. Being’ very careful to enunciate every word.’

THE BRIT AWARDS, DOCKLANDS ARENA
    I don’t know what you’re talking about, pal. I never take drugs of any sort and my message to young people out there is ‘Just say no.’’ Peter Paget was about to attempt to argue the point, but Leman was a shrewd judge of character and knew not to waste his breath. ‘Well, in that case I can only thank you for your time, Mr Hanson, and wish you good luck at tonight’s ceremony…One piece of advice: I’d wipe your top lip before you go on if I were you.’

ST HILDA’S CHURCH HALL, SOHO
    H e got up and buggered off and I went and looked in the mirror and nearly crapped meself. I had so much marching powder on my face I looked like Father fookin’ Christmas. Except Father Christmas don’t usually have little trickles of blood running out of both nostrils.’

A FEMALE DETENTION CENTRE, BANGKOK
    T he man from the Consulate was relieved to find Sonia much calmer this time.
    Tell me how the prison authorities are treating you.’
    ‘There are eighteen of us in our room…I’m the ownly English girl…All the others are Thai. I never understand anythink so I’m always in trouble. I’m sick, I down’t loik the food, we never wash. Sometimes I dream that I’m back in Brum, gowing shopping in the Bull Ring or ‘having KFC with moi mates and then I wake up and I want to kill myself so badly that I throw up and then the other girls get really angry. I’ve tried to do it twoice, but they down’t let you have nothink dangerous, not even shoelaces. I drank the stuff we scrub the floor with but I just puked up a bit of blood and the doctor made me drink a loud of milk and then I was in even more