Free They Moved My Bowl by Charles Barsotti, George Booth

“O.K., laugh, but this is going to be my ticket out of here.”

    “It’s O.K. I’m not really in the mood, either.”

    “I’m back. Move.”

    “The special, sir. Shall I spread it out or will you knock it over yourself?”

    “If elected I promise to fetch, beg and roll over.”

    “I do what they tell me, I eat what they give me. How do I know they’re not a cult?”

    “Well, it’s not my fault. You can see that it says‘Gourmet’ right on the can.”

    “Front yard. All’s quiet. Over and out.”

    “I’m not angry, I’m just very disappointed.”

    “It’s been moved that we adjourn for an afternoon nap. Is there a second?”

    “And what do you think will happen if you do get on the couch?”

    “The bidding will start at eleven million dollars.”

    “Talk? Hell, after a few drinks you can’t shut me up.”

    I had to bite him once, but now I always get a great table.”

    “Stay cool—we’re picking up a lot of chatter.”

    “The rug will not be sent out for lab tests.?

    “I give you the seven-billion-dollar pup,then you give me back the seven-billion-dollar pup,and we’ve each made seven billion dollars.”

    “Oh, God, am I housebroken.”

    “Well, please look again, Operator. It’s Fluffy—F-L-U-F-FY—and she lives in Larchmont.”

    “Yeah? Well, I happen to know that you’re not supposed to be in here, either.”

    “My bark is worse than my bite, and my bark is sort of a yap.”

    “The old tricks, young fellow, have served me well.”

    “What the hell did you do with your day before I retired?”

    “Now, now, Harrison, we all start somewhere.”

    “Of course the company appreciates your years of loyalty.”

    “I bark at everything. Can’t go wrong that way.”

    “First, can we agree that it’s a big back yard?”

    “Yes, they are crazy, but they can open the fridge.”

    “File!”

    “Keep talking, I’m listening.”

    “It’s non-negotiable.”

    “Scooting across the lobby rug on your butt,that’s not the behavior I expect from avice-president of this corporation.”

    “They think they’re accidents.”

    “Today’s lecture is on loyalty.”

    “Not guilty. He needed new Top-Siders anyway.”

    “Must you people always call at dinnertime?”

    “I’ll have what he’s having.”

    “Whenever you’re ready.”

    “They throw it, I chase it—there are worse gigs.”

    “Bad dog, bad dog,’ she said. ‘We should have gotten a cat.’”

    “My advice is to learn all the tricks you can while you’re young.”

    “But first, a distraction.”

    “I understand you’ve learned some new trickssince you were here last.”

    “Pay attention to what I say, kid,I’ve been around the block.”

    “So you’re little Bobbie; well, Rex here has been going on and onabout you for the last 50 years.”

    “Dog bites man, eh? Great, we’ll hold the front page.”

    “I never used to think in terms of dog years.’

    “I was clipped for summer.’

    “Hey, do you want to hear a good cat joke?”

    “It’s good for my image.”

    “If I didn’t know before I sure as hell know who Manolo Blahnik is now.”

    “So you woke up and found yourself in the pound.
    Is that when you decided to turn your life around?”

    “Yeah, I’m O.K. Are you O.K.?”

    “Cut that out.”

    “Tell him to fetch his own damn slippers.”

    “You heard, me, pal, the bitch gets the part.”

    “As unbelievable as it may seem to you today, this court was once a puppy, too.”

    “It’s agreed then, we’ll name him Rex and keep him.”

    “Don’t be so smug, all puppies are cute.”

    ‘The damn cat’s got caller ID.”

    “I’m a bad dog. I’m a bad dog. I’m a really bad dog.”

    “Well, I think you’re wonderful.”

    “I’m trying to deal directly with my fears.”

    “Someday, my son, that will mean you.”

    “When I’m ready to retire I’ll call you about a goddam burglar alarm.”

    “I’m trained, yes, but not highly