Free Me and Miranda Mullaly by Jake Gerhardt Page A

bathroom. And somehow, within minutes, Tony Worthington is selling Kleenex Pocket Packs out of the school store at a steep markup.
    By lunchtime all the kids, at least the guys, are just about going nuts, and everybody’s asking
me
what the deal is. I’ve never been in a riot before but I certainly can see how they can start.
    No one wants to eat their lunch and all people can think about is going to the bathroom. And I’m wondering if I’m safe or if Lichtensteiner has taken the goods from the locker room, too.
    Everyone gathers around my lunch table and people are talking about attacking the school office and grabbing the toilet paper or swiping the janitor’s keys and looting the supply closet. Matt Vesci talks about leaving a little present outside Lichtensteiner’s door. Am I making myself clear? We are just about to have a revolution.
    So I get up on a chair and I explain that I have nothing to do with the whole thing. I think everyone believes me,which puts my mind at ease because this group is getting scary. But as I’m up on the chair explaining myself, I start thinking about how Lichtensteiner is blaming the toilet paper throwing on me and it gets me worked up.
    Next thing I know, I’m giving a speech. I say things like “Toilet paper’s a right” and might even throw in something about all men being created equal. Anyway, I end the thing by screaming the funniest thing I can think to say to this mob, “Give me toilet paper, or give me death!”
    Those words really get everyone going. We storm out of the cafeteria and head toward the office, when I remember there’s a student council meeting going on.
    We burst through the auditorium doors and crash the meeting.
    Duke Samagura bangs his gavel, like that’s really going to stop us. Mr. Porter, who is a decent guy but needs to do something about his dandruff, stops us, though to tell the truth we don’t have anywhere else to go.
    He wants to know what’s going on.
    I let him have it, trying to remember all the history he has taught me. I don’t know if I got the natural rights of man correct, or if I did, I don’t know if I tied it to toilet paper properly. But when I end it with “Give us toilet paper, or give us death!” I get another round of applause. Boy, that’s a heck of a line.
    Mr. Porter calms us down a bit and finally processes the entire toilet paper spiel. He takes me by the arm and the two of us go to the main office. Mr. Porter goes into Mr. Lichtensteiner’s office and comes out about a minute later with rolls and rolls of toilet paper.
    We walk back down the aisle to the auditorium with rolls falling from our arms. I start throwing the toilet paper, and everyone else starts to throw it around, too. We’re all going wild and before I know it, I’m up on some dude’s shoulders and I’m just about the biggest hero in the world. And a comedy legend.
    I toss the toilet paper and a couple of guys run out with it, laughing and crying tears of joy. It’s the happiest we’ve ever been at Penn Valley.
    And I just know Lichtensteiner said to the teachers, “Watch this,” as he pulled the toilet paper from the bathrooms. He is going get an honorable mention when
Watch
This!
is published.

CHOLLIE
    When I got home from the library two weeks ago, Billy didn’t even ask me how it went with Miranda. Instead, he waved a newspaper in front of me.
    â€œHere it is,” Billy says, waving the newspaper. “Here’s your ticket to your lady friend’s heart.”
    â€œA newspaper?”
    â€œNo, no, no,” Billy says, handing me the paper. “Right there on the front page.”
    I read the first couple of paragraphs, and it’s about how the ocean is going to rise up and swallow a bunch of cities and flood everything, and everything is going to be really rotten and horrible. They call it global warming, and I think one of