Free Me and Miranda Mullaly by Jake Gerhardt Page B

my teachers told us about it, but I can’t really be sure.
    â€œSo you think Miranda will be interested in this?” I ask.
    â€œYou have to bring it up at your student council meeting.”
    â€œBilly, we don’t pass laws and things like that.”
    â€œWhat you have to do is give a speech about it, then you say you want to petition Congress and the president. If this Miranda is the kind of girl I think she is, she’ll eat this up, and before you know it, you and Miranda will be partnered up to stop global warming.”
    Well, I take Billy’s advice and we work together on a pretty big speech about the globe and climate and rain and the sun and just about everything you can imagine. Last night we put the finishing touches on it and by the time we’re done it’s pretty late but I’m so excited I can hardly sleep.
    And then when I get to school I’m so nervous about the speech I keep feeling like I have to go to the bathroom. But of course, just my luck, there’s no toilet paper in the boys’ room.
    So that’s why I’m really nervous standing in front of the student council about to give a big speech. Maybe even more nervous than when I took the foul shots. But when I look at Miranda and see her waiting to hear what I have to say, with her big brown eyes smiling at me, well, I feel like I can do just about anything. Even if I do have to go to the bathroom.
    And then, just as I’m about to speak, I mean right after I clear my throat, I hear a lot of noise coming from outside the auditorium.
    â€œLadies and gentlemen,” I begin. And then I smile right at Miranda and say, “Madam President.” But Miranda is looking at the door. Everyone is. The noise is getting louder. And then we hear people chanting.
    I start over again and
bang!
The auditorium doors flyopen and in comes Sam Dolan and about thirty other guys. They’re chanting something about toilet paper.
    Well, that’s the end of my speech and the end of the student council meeting. By the time things come to order, Mr. Porter leaves with Sam Dolan, and I look around but can’t find Miranda Mullaly.

Duke
    My only purpose at the student council meeting today is to schedule when Miranda and I will meet to finalize plans and put on the final touches for the Valentine’s Day dance. It’s only nine days away and I can’t wait.
    But nothing works according to plan. As Jonathan Swift 20 wrote, “When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.” In this instance, yours truly is the genius, and Mr. Lichtensteiner, Penn Valley’s poor excuse for a vice principal, is one of far too many dunces.
    The meeting started when Chollie Muller asked for the floor so he could address the student council about a most pressing issue, an issue apparently keeping him up at night. And just as Chollie was to open his speech, he was interrupted by Sam Dolan and a group of ne’er-do-wells and hooligans complaining about toilet paper.
    I jumped from my seat and banged my gavel, preparing to protect Miranda, our president. Mr. Porter took Sam and left the auditorium. The rest of the rabble continued tochant that they wanted toilet paper or death, thus making a farce of Patrick Henry’s 21 important speech.
    As the mob continued its “demonstration,” I turned to Miranda to confirm our plans for the dance and I could see in her eyes she was demoralized, distraught, and disgusted. This is public education for you. I summoned Knuckles and Moose to stand between Miranda and me and the mob.
    By the time Mr. Porter returned, there was toilet paper for everyone. Sam was carried out on the mob’s shoulders like a hero, and toilet paper was flying through the air.
    Silence descended upon the room when they left. Chollie was still standing at podium, looking as confused as ever.
    Mr. Porter looked at his