Free Dave Barry's Money Secrets by Dave Barry Page A

generation of young people who believe they’re the center of the universe. This is sick and twisted. WE’RE the center of the universe!
    No, wait, what I mean is, we Boomers have raised a generation of kids who expect their parents to provide everything for them, even after they become adults. This has led to the so-called “boomerang generation” phenomenon, wherein young people graduate from college and then—instead of going the traditional young-graduate route of getting a crappy job and living in a crappy apartment furnished largely with anti-roach devices—they
move back in with their parents.
    This is just WRONG. This is AGAINST NATURE. This is like a fully grown 200-pound adult kangaroo climbing back into its mother’s pouch. We Boomers engaged in some shameful activities—indiscriminate drug use, the attempted overthrow of the U.S. government, disco—but
we did not move back in with our parents.
In fact, this may be our single greatest achievement, as a generation.

    Generational Comparison
Name of Generation
Major Accomplishments
The “Greatest Generation”
•                  Overcame the brutal hardships of the Great Depression
 
•                  Won World War II
 
•                  Made the U.S. the most prosperous and powerful nation in world history
The Baby Boomers
•                  Did not move back in with our parents

    If you’re a parent with a child in college, you need to take steps to prevent the child from moving back in with you. One excellent way is for you and your spouse to start walking around the house naked. It’s also a good idea to convert the child’s bedroom to a space that is less than ideal for human habitation, such as a racquetball court, walk-in freezer, python cage, or plutonium-storage vault. Another good idea is to tell your child: “You’re welcome to move back in with us, under one condition:
Dad will cut your hair.
”
    If, despite these measures, your child still intends to move back in with you, you must sell your house, move, and assume a new identity. Currently, 78 percent of the people in the federal Witness Protection Program are parents hiding out from children attempting to boomerang on them.
    But the best way to avoid this problem is to raise your child with the right attitude about money. Here’s how:
    Start When the Child Is Young
    When I say “young,” I mean, “while the child is still in the delivery room.” Be firm! Just because a newborn child is crying out to be fed, that does
not
mean you should automatically stick a breast into his mouth. This causes the child to get used to instant gratification, which means that when he grows up, he’ll think that whenever things don’t work out exactly the way he wants them to, the solution is to stick a breast into his mouth. This is probably what happened to me.
    You should also encourage children to be self-reliant and do things for themselves. At the age of two months, Donald Trump was changing his own diapers.*  24
    Give the Child a Fair Allowance
    What is a fair allowance? The answer depends on many factors, by which I mean: three dollars a week. That’s
plenty.
This allowance will teach your children the importance of financial discipline and saving to buy things that he wants. Suppose, for example, that your child really wants a computer that costs $1,395. Explain to the child that if he can save just one dollar each week out of his allowance, he’ll be able to buy the computer in only 1,395 weeks, or just a little under twenty-seven years! At this point the child may want to stick a breast into his mouth, but
don’t let him.
    Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.
    Encourage the Child to Develop an Entrepreneurial Spirit
    Many children learn about money by