Free Losing Nuka (Litmus Book 1) by Kayla Howarth

found my own place yet. But don’t worry. I’ll be out of here tomorrow. I can go back and stay with my friend—where I was before last night.”
    “That’s not necessary, Lavender.”
    I wince at my birth name.
    “Sorry. Nuka. I still can’t believe your father named you that.”
    “Why did he change my name?”
    “So here come the questions,” she says in a playful tone. Her look turns sombre when she sees I’m not entertained. “I assume he did it so I wouldn’t be able to find you when you got out.”
    “But he changed it long before I was out of the Institute.”
    “He had plans of busting you out of there the moment he found out what I did,” she says, hanging her head shamefully.
    “Why did you … why …” I can’t ask the question.
    “Why did I give you up?”
    I nod.
    “I wish I could say it was because it was the law, because I had to. But if I’m being completely honest, I did it for more selfish reasons than that. I saw it as a way of escaping.”
    “Escaping?”
    “I don’t have the best track record with men. Starting with your father.”
    “My father?”
    “He isn’t the man the media made him out to be.”
    “Oh.”
    “I shouldn’t really get into this with you,” she practically whispers. “He’s your father and he achieved amazing things for this country and your kind before he died, that much is true.”
    “But?”
    She gives a reluctant sigh, knowing I’m not going to let this go. “But he wasn’t a nice man, Nuka.”
    “Did he … hit you?”
    Her face relaxes into a half-smile. “No. He wasn’t physically abusive. But there are many forms of abuse.”
    “Why didn’t you come find me when he died, or even after I was released from the Institute?”
    “After I gave you up, he threatened to kill me if I ever came near you again.”
    “But you just said he wasn’t the violent type?”
    “He would’ve found a way. Staged an ‘accident.’ He wouldn’t have been stupid enough to come right out and murder me. He was smart, manipulative, and he always got what he wanted.”
    My stomach churns. That’s when I realise. “That’s why you changed your name. I went to the Institute when I was one. You changed your name around the same time.”
    She nods. “I was scared he’d do it anyway because he’d lost you. I’m not proud of my cowardice. And that’s what giving you up was. It was cowardly. So was not coming for you when your father died. At the time, I’d just left Sasha’s father. He was the physical type. I had an almost one-year-old, no money, nowhere to go. I knew I couldn’t have taken you on as well, even though you were my responsibility. I saw in the news that Paxton was marrying that Defective woman. I thought she’d be able to take care of you better than I could. She could also understand you better than I could. I have no idea what it’s like to be Defective.”
    I nod as I contemplate what she’s telling me. “So you knew where I was and didn’t even try to find me,” I mumble.
    “Sorry, what was that?”
    I shake my head. “Sorry, nothing.”
    “Oh,” is all she says, and then, “Perfect timing.”
    The kitchen staff enters, carrying plates of food.
    “I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us,” she half-jokes, but it’s the kind of joke that holds truth behind it. I think the staff knows that too because they’re quick to apologise and disappear again.
    Realising our conversation is over, I start eating the food that looks more like art than something edible. It may look weird, but as soon as the food hits my mouth, I don’t care what it looks like. I’ve never tasted anything like it, or anything as good.
    “So about the job.” She starts talking halfway through the meal.
    “I don’t exactly need a job, but I’d love to work for you if it means I get to spend time with you, get to know you more.”
    “Do you already have a job? How are you able to pay for things?”
    “My dad left me a trust fund.