Free Screw the Universe by Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny Page A

yelled at him for bringing that tiger on board.”
     
    “That Plutonian Snow Tiger is illegal!” replied Tyler. “And he won’t let me ride it.”
     
    “All the same, sir. He will probably punch you.”
     
    “In the…?”
     
    “Gooch, sir? I would doubt it. Something tells me he doesn’t want to have anything to do with that region.”
     
    “Well, that’s my new goal in life.”
     
    “Sir?” asked the computer.
     
    “To have Dr. Porn slave away on my junk for days.”
     
    “Wha— Why — You know what? No. I’m not going to ask.”
     
    “Your loss. Now send my servants in!”
     
    “They’re not your servants.”
     
    “Are you sure?”
     
    “Yes.”
     
    “But I can still have them sent for?”
     
    “Unfortunately.”
     
    “Then I care not for your semantics! Fetch Misters Archibald and Siriporn!”
     
    “I hate you. I hate you so hard.”
     

     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts and Dr. Porniviriyakul arrived at Captain Tyler’s door simultaneously. Duknerts lost the impromptu game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and entered first. The good doctor waited outside.
     
    “Testicles!” said Captain Tyler, harnessed and crouched, naked, against the ceiling. “Ah, First Lieutenant. Thought you were Dr. Porn.”
     
    “It’s alarming how little I care that I’m seeing your testicles again.”
     
    “I like you, you’re a go-getter.”
     
    “There a reason why you summoned me, sir?”
     
    “We’re almost at our destination. Send a transmission to Space Marshal Orr and see if he has any more intel.”
     
    “Yes, sir,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts, actually swelling with pride. It seemed as if the captain was taking this mission a little more seriously than in the past. Despite still being nude and hanging from an apparatus attached to the ceiling, that is.
     
    “And on your way out, be sure to send in that coward, Dr. Porn. I’ve got a couple growths I may need him to take a closer look at.”
     
    “Shouldn’t Dr. Sodomy… Oh, I get it. Your nuts.”
     
    Captain Tyler smiled and pointed his fingers at the first lieutenant like two pistols.
     
    Duknerts walked to the door and nodded at Dr. Porniviriyakul.
     
    “Captain –”
     
    “Yes, I know, I was standing right here. Heard the whole thing.”
     
    “So you’re aware –”
     
    “Yup.”
     
    “And you’re going in anyway?”
     
    “I am.”
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts felt that swelling of pride again. Apparently even Dr. Porniviriyakul was taking his responsibilities seriously for once.
     
    Duknerts marched down the hallway, humming to himself. Dr. Porniviriyakul went into Captain Tyler’s room.
     
    “Testi—” began Captain Tyler.
     
    Dr. Porniviriyakul punched the captain, as hard as he could, square in the balls.
     

     
    “Captain,” said the computer. “Call coming in from Space Marshal Orr.”
     
    “Put it up on the viewscreen,” said Captain Tyler, sitting at the helm, icing his lap.
     
    Around him, his crew pretended to be busy in order to impress the boss. Private Redshirt pressed some buttons, Private Darkpinkshirt stared intently at Captain Tyler’s Facebook newsfeed, Private Crimsonshirt studied maps of nearby planets and Private Naughtyplaces cycled through sexy poses in front of Tyler.
     
    The captain liked this because she was pretty. The private, on the other hand, hated it, but, due to the rather vague wording of the restraining order, and the even vaguer wording of the Federation sexual harassment policy, Tyler was legally allowed to order her to do it.
     
    Well, not to “do it.” That was illegal. Usually.
     
    “How goes the mission, captain?” asked Space Marshal Orr.
     
    “The what now?”
     
    “About as I expected then.”
     
    “Sure?”
     
    “Anything to report?”
     
    “What have you heard?”
     
    “That’s... that’s what I’m asking YOU. How is the mission going?”
     
    “Oh, it’s going,” replied Captain Tyler.
     
    “Right, yes,” said