Free Don't Look Back by Nicola Graham Page A

well past my curfew time, but I don’t care. We walk quietly hand in hand, and in the alley beside the house, he kisses me goodnight so tenderly that it moves me to tears again.
    “It’s okay, Kate, we can write to keep in touch. I’ll find a way, and as soon as you turn eighteen, you can move back here and we’ll get married. They won’t stop us, they can’t stop us,” he whispers, trying to console me again, pulling me up against him. All I can manage in reply is a sniffle. My heart is breaking. Four years I will have to wait until I am of legal age. Four years we will be separated. To me, four years is an eternity.

CHAPTER 9
    The Kiss
    My final weeks in England are a complete blur, the goodbyes to my family and friends so painful that the memory is hidden away somewhere deep within me. Once we settle into our new California home, I send letters to Matthew and Diana, and so begins the exchange of air mail correspondence every month or so.
    At first, writing is easy; Di and Matthew are my constant, my rock, everything that is familiar and normal. But as the months progress, my letters grow shorter, and it takes longer for me to reply. I am caught up in a new way of life, a new school, new friends, and new boys. I miss Matthew, but the life I once had in England no longer exists for me. For Matthew and Diana, life in Harptree continueswithout me.
    I switch from being the awkward, shy girl in the shadows at Anderson James Senior School to one of the most popular girls on campus at North Valley High School. I am like a shiny new toy, and everyone wants to play with me. Suddenly I am considered “cool,” and my clothes are six months ahead of the fashions here. The boys fight over who is going to take me on a date, and the girls want to be my new best friend. The transition is stressful on my young spirit, and yet exciting, too. I am a hormonal teenager dealing with extreme circumstances, desperate to fit in, torn between who I once was and who I am becoming, adapting as best as I can. I often feel like part of me is left behind, still attached to England, unable to break free. It is overwhelming. During those times, I find myself writing to Matthew or Diana.
    The problem with writing to Matthew is that I find myself unable to tell him everything that is going on in my life, and it becomes almost a chore to plan a letter that won’t hurt his feelings. I miss Matthew, I love Matthew, but Matthew isn’t here, he isn’t physically present. Other boys are—cute American boys with their accents, flashy cars, and suntans. I resist at first, but eventually it becomes impossible. Soon our correspondence lapses into longer periods of silence, and Di mentions less and less of Matthew in her letters. Eventually, she doesn’t mention him at all, and before I know it, I become caught up in new friendships, romances, homework, and Friday night football games. The last piece of mail I receive from Matthew is a birthday card in September of 1985. No letter, just acard signed “M.” We don’t even manage to survive a year.
    A year and a half after moving away, we return to England for a vacation to see our extended family in the summer of 1986. I am so excited to be going home, and I write to Diana in April, once we book our flights. We have plans to be in Harptree on Friday and Saturday, and that will be my only opportunity to see her during the two weeks we will be home. Diana writes back, thrilled about my upcoming trip, and says she has made plans for us to go out on Friday evening with Terry and his brother Joe.
    My heart sinks when she doesn’t mention Matthew, but I know I am the cause of this. I haven’t heard from him in eight months, and I haven’t bothered to reply to him, either. I manage to keep him out of my mind by dating someone new every couple of months. When I start to become bored with the new boy or find myself comparing him to Matthew, I move on to the next one. I convince myself that going back to