Free Coming Undone by Staci Stallings Page A

away. He needed her to be professional, and one way or the other, she was not going to let him down. Going to the angled wall along the edge of the room, she opened the door where the Bakers had been the day before. As she figured, it was already ready for the next family. Walking into the room, she sucked in a breath of stale, sorrowful air and let it out in small ragged burst of air. The bed was so very empty and too sterile for her grieving heart. She hated this part. She truly did.
    Tears slipped up into her chest, but she beat them back. “As you can see, the rooms are quite large.”
    “ It’s kind of dark.” He followed her in and then stepped past her to the chair next to the side wall.
    “ Oh, it doesn’t have to be, but most of our families like it that way.” She went back to the door, determined not to notice anything about him. At the entrance she turned on the overhead light. “When patients come to us, they are usually beyond the point of consciousness. I think because they look asleep, families generally feel more comfortable keeping the lights low.”
    From the door, she watched as he walked across the room to the little end table with the lamp on it. Before she had turned on the overhead light, it had been the room’s only illumination. He picked up the little Death and Dying brochure that was always put out for new families.
    “ We try to give our families as much guidance to know what to expect as we can,” she said, her gaze never leaving his back. “We have counselors on staff 24/7 and a chaplain on call as well.”
    He lifted the brochure for her to see though he didn’t turn. “Looks like you’ve thought of everything.”
    What to say to that? He sounded annoyed or mad. She couldn’t quite tell.
    “ It’s a lot like the time issue we talked about yesterday. Every family is different in their approach. For some this time is peaceful and calm and prayerful. For others, confusion and fear reign, and calming that confusion is a very real component of our role. Many people have never gone through the death of a close loved one. It can be an overwhelming experience.”
    With his back still turned, Ben raised his hand and then laughed that little laugh that tore her heart out. “I’m thinking a trial run would’ve been nice right about now.”
    “ It wouldn’t matter.”
    This time he turned just slightly. “Oh, yeah? What? You don’t think it would get easier?”
    Her heart knew the truth all too well. “It’s never easy to say good-bye.”
     
     
    She said it so gently, so without judgment or condescension that he almost believed she meant it.
    Ben considered everything, thinking it through one more time, and then knowing what he had to do, he turned to her. For all of two seconds he thought he could lay it out for her like an adult. Then that wall crumbled. He reached up and scratched his head. “I… I think it’s time. I do.” His gaze slipped up to hers and then fell.
    “ Okay.” With a single nod, she waited for more.
    He glanced up at her again, hoping she wouldn’t think him stupid or unbelievably weak. “I don’t… Um, this isn’t…” Hating himself for sounding like an idiot, he crushed the tears back inside him and cleared his throat.
    In two steps she closed the space between them. “Please, let’s sit,” she said, indicating the couch.
    Truth was, he was thankful for that. His legs were starting to feel like jelly. Once he was down, he searched for the words to explain the unexplainable. “I’m normally not like this… with things. It’s just… My dad was my hero. I looked up to him in a way I guess most kids look up to their fathers, or maybe they don’t. I don’t know.” He let out a slow breath to calm the racing of the emotions. “My mom and dad split when I was 13. I chose to stay with my dad.
    “ He was really busy with work, but he always made time for me. He always wanted to know how I was doing and what was going on in my life. Even