Free Gorilla Beach by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Page B

Donatella Versace.
    Gia said, “Hottie!” and clomped in her boots over to Maria for hugs and kisses. The Godfather grandmas watched, eyes twitching, clucking their disapproval. Bella followed Gia, smiling and nodding at the ladies of the perpetual stick up their ass. She tried to figure out which of them was Mama Lupo.
    The girls sat next to Maria. She said, “Listen, I need to tell you a few important rules of the game.”
    Bella turned to the homeless woman on her other side. She smelled like a urine-and-saltwater cocktail. “Okay if I sit here?”
    â€œTouch my bingo card, I’ll cut you,” she said, brandishing a plastic fork with only one prong.
    Meanwhile, another church regular was petting Gia’s back like a cat. “Nice kitty,” said the obviously crazy lady with wild eyes and insane wiry hair. “Where’s the nun?! I’m gonna adopt you.”
    â€œShe’s human, Ruby,” yelled Maria. “Human. It’s just a leopard-print jacket.”
    â€œMeow,” the woman cooed, right up in Gia’s face.
    â€œIgnore her,” said Maria. “She’s released from the ward only once a week for this game.”
    â€œMooowwll!” said Ruby more emphatically.
    â€œIt’s kinda hard to ignore her when she’s meowing in my face,” said Gia.
    One of the RHOSHs clapped her hands right in Ruby’s ear. “Back to your seat! Back!” Ruby scurried away. The RHOSH smiled with perfect white teeth, flipped her sleek, straight black hair, and said, “Are you Gia Spumanti? I’ve heard so much about you.”
    The warning siren went off in Bella’s head. The woman looked familiar, although she hadn’t met her yet. Maria looked worried, too. But Gia didn’t register danger. She said, “Hey. You look just like this bitch I met the other night. A real top-shelf skank whore named Cara. Do you know her?”
    The RHOSH’s face turned white under her mask of blush and mascara. “That top-shelf skank whore happens to be my daughter.”
    Making friends wherever she went, thought Bella of her cuz. Maria put her head in her hands. Her plot to get Gia and Bella off the Lupo enemies’ list was not going as planned.
    A seriously bent old woman in a black veil came over to their table. Cara Lupo’s mother nodded at the geezette, then backed away, bowing at the waist as she retreated.
    â€œGood evening, Mrs. Crumbi,” the old lady said to Maria.
    â€œIt’s an honor, Mrs. Lupo,” said Maria, jumping to her feet, taking the woman’s withered, gnarly hand and kissing her ring.
    So this was the big mama. Hardly taller than Gia, she hooked like a human question mark. In ninety degrees with no air-conditioning, Mama Lupo was swaddled in a black shawl, black dress, black tights, and black orthopedic Skechers. Her wrinkles were deep enough to plant corn. Her hair and skin were the same shade of gray. “Are these the girls who humiliated my grandson at your wedding?”
    â€œMrs. Lupo, this is Giovanna Spumanti and Isabella Rizzoli from Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. They’re dear friends of mine. They feel shame and remorse about any trouble they might’ve caused. They want to make amends and pay their respects to you tonight.”
    The lady nodded, her eyes half-closed and suspicious. “I appreciate that. My Luigi would appreciate it, too.”
    Gia said, “My condolences about your husband.”
    â€œMy husband, dear?”
    â€œThe veil.” Gia gestured to the mourning clothes.
    Mama seemed confused. “My husband, Sunny, died thirty years ago. He was gunned down at a tollbooth on the Garden State Parkway. I’m in mourning for Alonzo, my Burmese. He died two years ago, bless his little soul.”
    â€œCat,” whispered Maria.
    â€œI love cats,” said Gia. “I’m part leopard. Just ask Ruby over there.”
    â€œWhich part?”