Free Gorilla Beach by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

oven.
    A vacation wasn’t fun when you were broke. A week in Seaside, and they’d seen the inside of only one club: the Cowboy Club. As for cocktails, they were stuck mixing their own cheap vodka cranberries in the Prison Condo. If one of them didn’t find a job—any job—soon … Bella didn’t want to think about it.
    Bella’s cell phone vibrated on the condo’s living room table. She grabbed it, doing a silent prayer the call was from her future employer. “Hello?”
    â€œIt’s Mrs. Stanley Crumbi. The sexually satisfied newlywed.”
    Cringe. “TMI.”
    â€œWhat’re you girls doing tonight?”
    â€œIDK. Making frozen pizza at the Prison Condo, I guess.”
    â€œThe Prison Condo? Come on. It’s not that bad.”
    â€œI bought a plant, to add some life to the place.”
    â€œGreat idea.”
    â€œIt died.”
    Maria said, “So come out tonight. I’ll take you to a thing.”
    â€œA party? With Donna Lupo? No thanks.”
    â€œShe won’t be there. And it’s not exactly a party. You’ll have fun, though. It’s a gathering. Of women. Mature women. In a church basement to play bingo.”
    â€œI’d rather eat sand,” said Bella. “Actually, considering what we’ve been eating, sand doesn’t sound that bad.”
    Maria exhaled. “It’s not a request. Mama Lupo insists. She’s Luigi’s mother, the family matriarch. She’s going to make a ruling on you and Gia.”
    â€œWe haven’t done anything wrong.”
    â€œDoesn’t matter. Cara Lupo is telling everyone Gia is responsible for embarrassing Fredo—and, by association, the family—at the wedding.”
    Bella said, “Gia knows she’s innocent. Fredo knows. What difference does it make if his parents don’t believe us?”
    Maria paused. “How’s your job search going?”
    â€œSucks! I can’t find anything. It’s like we’ve been blackballed or … wait, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
    â€œNo one in this town is going to hire you until you make peace with the Lupos.”
    â€œFML.”
    â€œEnough with friggin’ letters,” said Maria. “I hate that shit. I never know what you’re talking about. Just come to the game tonight. This is a rite of passage for Seaside Heights society. I came a few times with Donna. You show up, make a donation. Mama will give you her blessing. By this time tomorrow, you’ll have jobs. And I’ll talk to Stanley about moving you to a new place that doesn’t kill plants.”
    What choice did she have? “Okay,” said Bella, and took down the particulars.
    The toilet flushed and Gia emerged from the bathroom. “Icould have framed that one. Fredo has no idea what he’s missing.”
    â€œGet dressed. We’re going to church.”
    â€œOur Lady of the Perpetual Sorrow?” asked Gia, reading the plaque on the outside of the stone church. “Oh, yeah! This place rocks .”
    Bella was in her “straight but not narrow” outfit of a black Lycra dress, a ponytail, and “flats,” or two-inch pumps. She took in her cousin’s outfit. Jeans short shorts with a black, studded belt. A black, off-the-shoulder T-shirt that read PASS THE BRACIOLA, a leopard-print jacket, and midcalf, furry, black boots. “The boots might be a bit much.”
    â€œThey’re the only shoes I’ve got that aren’t flip-flops or peeptoe heels,” she said. “Toe cleavage isn’t Catholic.”
    â€œIt’s twenty bucks per person. Maria’s going to cover us.”
    â€œYou mean Our Lady of the Perpetual Booze Breath?”
    Laughing, they went through the arched doors. At seven o’clock, it was still light outside. Entering the church was like walking into a cave, the only light coming from candles and the