Free State of Grace by Hilary Badger

but now I make myself relax against him. Gil drops his head to my neck and starts kissing it, eating it practically. He moves his mouth from my neck back to my lips. We kiss properly, his dry lips to mine again.
    The whole time, I’m thinking, See, Dot? See how dotly I am? I’m doing just what you want.
    At the same time, I start wondering about completion night, whether if I show Dot I’m a good believer, I might be one of her chosen ones. And obviously I’m desperate to be chosen. I want it more than anyone has ever wanted anything. Those prenormal images of life outside Dot’s creation have given me a little taste of what it’s like to feel your faith slipping. I know for sure I don’t want that to happen anymore.
    Gil pulls away. ‘You’re somewhere else.’ Even though he says it quietly, it comes out shocking as a slap.
    I laugh a high little laugh, as though Gil’s got it completely wrong. ‘Oh yeah? Like where exactly? The lagoon? No, I know. I’m climbing the rocks!’
    ‘Are you prehealthy?’ Gil says this slowly.
    ‘What? No. Are you serious? I’m feel great. Why would you say I’m prehealthy?’
    ‘You’re acting distracted,Wren.’ He sort of considers me then. ‘It’s your eyes as well.’
    My hands fly up to my face, like feeling my eyes is going to tell me something. But of course, everything up there feels the same as always. Lashes, lids. You know, the standard stuff, all still in place.
    ‘My eyes?’ I squeeze out another laugh. Can Gil see I’m being tested just by looking at my face?
    ‘My eyes are fine.’
    Everything is fine. I’m going to repeat that to myself, over and over, until I make it true. Until I pass Dot’s test.
    Gil lifts his face and says, ‘Are you enjoying yourself?’
    If Gil wasn’t holding me up, I’d probably collapse right there on the ground.
    ‘Obviously! This is completely dotly. I’m completely dotly so of course I’m –’
    ‘Good.’
    Gil tugs at the hem of my sungarb. ‘You should take this off.’
    ‘Okay.’
    If this is what is takes to prove myself to Dot, then I’ll do it. I’ll do it a million billion times over if I have to.

11
    T HE LAGOON’S TOTALLY different at night. For a start, it’s empty. The sun went down ages ago and now, in the thick, still prelight, I’m the only one here. And the water, which is normally bright blue, now looks all deep and mysterious. The only light comes from the bottom, which is dotted with silvery pinpoints that start to sparkle when the sun fades.
    I pull my sungarb over my head and drop it so it puddles in a damp pile at my feet. Since Gil and the gazebo and the magnolia trees, I’ve been sweating like that’s all I was created to do. I spent ages – too long – examining my eyes in the mirror in my hut. At first, the black circles looked normal to me. At least, that’s what I told myself.
    But the longer I looked the more I had to admit they were pretty small, just like Blaze’s. So to forget about that, I tried sleeping in my hammock. Except every time I closed my prenormal eyes I saw things I didn’t want to see.
    You know, places called parks and creations called Julius and Mum. I guess I thought hooking up with Gil might erase all that, or dilute it somehow. I hoped it would show Dot she didn’t need to test me anymore. But the images inside my head are as clear as ever. Apparently in Dot’s eyes I’m no better after the thing with Gil than I was before. Now, basically all I feel like doing is getting clean.
    I slip into the water. Under the surface, my legs look all bleached, nothing like a creation’s skin normally does. It’s sort of like I’m someone else altogether, someone I don’t even know. In the shallows, I drop to my knees and slide under the water completely. About a million fish slip past me and I stay down there as long as I can, hidden, until everything inside me is on the point of bursting. It’s only then that I shoot up again, flip onto my back and lie in a