Free Against God by Patrick Senécal Page B

logic is useless, the question is what
     will end up happening, they don’t get it, nerves, tension, the armed Latino
     cocks the hammer, moistens his lips, tells you again to clear off, you grab the
     wrist of his raised hand, you pull him toward you then, until the barrel of the
     gun rests against your forehead, and the Latino’s eyes grow wide, horrified, and
     he stammers that he’ll shoot if you don’t let go, yes, he’ll shoot, hear that,
     he’ll gun you down, but hisvoice lacks conviction, fear has
     taken up all the space, you squeeze his wrist even tighter then, the Latino
     squeals in pain, drops the weapon that bounces off the ground, and they scatter,
     every man for himself, including the girl, including the Latino who threatened
     you, they bolt, they disappear into the night, once or twice you hear a “fucking
     psycho” in the distance, then silence, the firearm on the ground glowing in the
     light of the naked bulb, your eyes curious, your hands scoop up the revolver,
     close inspection of the weapon, the cylinder that you eventually open, two out
     of six chambers loaded, and that fact brings a glint to your eye, a sudden
     illumination, you spin the cylinder then, close it again, cock the hammer and
     place the barrel against your temple, and you hold your breath, and you don’t
     hesitate, and you squeeze the trigger, a click, that’s all, no gunfire, you
     observe the revolver with satisfaction then, slide it awkwardly into your pants,
     under your coat, start walking again, back to the street, fifteen minutes,
     you’ve left the neighbourhood, seventy-five minutes, you walk by the fast food
     joint where you abandoned your car the other night, you notice the car’s still
     there, you continue, twenty-five minutes, you recognize your new neighbourhood,
     you find an open convenience store, you buy a bottle of cheap wine, the sales
     clerk at the counter tells you the price, you stare at him for a long minute,
     you reach toward your pants, for the gun, but you end up pulling out some bills
     and you pay, you notice you have about fifty dollars left, outside, bank, cash
     machine, you insert your bank cardbut a message pops up
     telling you you cannot withdraw any funds from this account, you try another
     account, same message, you stare at the screen for a long while, you insert your
     credit card, hoping for a cash advance, but a message tells you that the card is
     no longer valid, you sigh, leave, look for another bank, try another machine,
     same scenario, same refusal, you grit your teeth, punch and crack the screen,
     you hurt your hand, just a bit, you leave, outside, five minutes, your building,
     the stairs, the door to your apartment, you swing it open, but on your way
     inside you glance toward the stairs, toward the steps up to the next floor, you
     chew on your lip, I’m sure that part of you wants to climb the stairs, but in
     the end you enter your own apartment, you lay the revolver down on the kitchen
     table, then nothing, hesitation, thinking, then you frown as though at your own
     idiocy, and you leave your apartment, the bottle in hand, you climb the stairs,
     it’s eleven o’clock but there’s still light coming from under the door, you
     knock, Mélanie opens the door almost immediately, not in her pyjamas, Mélanie’s
     still dressed, Mélanie is happy, reassured, Mélanie invites you inside and you
     comply like a slightly shamefaced mutt, you find yourself in the living room,
     the bottle of wine open, you each drink a glass, the TV’s on but you both ignore
     it, then Mélanie asks if you’d like to go back to the Youth Centre with her
     tomorrow, a second chance, and you don’t answer, you notice once more the modest
     decor, the pastel colours, the framed paintings still on the floor in the corner
     of the room,and Mélanie repeats her question, all of a sudden
     you ask her to lend you some money, she seems surprised, you explain that your
     bank