Free Willie's Redneck Time Machine by John Luke Robertson Page A
Authors: John Luke Robertson
it.
“This is a priority level 7 case with a threat level of 0 percent. Subject with mental impairment and a loss of the CDG component.”
You look around the confined room you’re in.
Priority level 7?
Zero percent chance of being a threat?
Mental impairment?
Loss of the CDG component? Whatever that means.
“What is CDG again?”
The woman smiles. “That’s funny. I do like your humor. It’s a lost art, I believe.”
“What’s going to happen to me?”
“You will be let go. You’re obviously not a rebel soldier. We will clean you up and then process you before leaving.”
“Cleaning up” means they shave you. All of you. Your beard. Your head. Your body.
You had more hair when you were born.
You feel naked even after they give you the loose white pants and white shirt to wear. You feel like you’re in a kung fu movie.
Then they put you out in the elements —on some crowded street that’s dark and rainy and resembles the set of Blade Runner .
You have absolutely no idea how to get back to the time machine.
You walk down a couple of blocks, your odd plastic shoes feeling wrong against your bare feet. The raindrops on your bald head make you cold.
As you are about to turn down another street, a figure in a recessed doorway grabs you. Before you strike back at the assailant, you see the glasses.
It’s Si.
“Is that you, Willie?”
“Yeah. Of course it is! What are you talking about?”
“It’s just been a while since —well, since I’ve seen your face. And your head.”
You have to touch your face before remembering you’re as smooth as a newborn baby.
“Quick, we don’t have much time,” Uncle Si tells you. “We must do something, but you’re not going to like it.”
You notice Uncle Si is in black-and-gray battle gear, including a black military cap with a red fist logo. He’s carrying a gun on his hip and looks tanned and tough.
“What’s happened to you? Where have you been, Uncle Si?”
“I’m leading a revolution, man. It’s the sixties once again, and I’m John Lennon! I’m just looking for Yoko.”
It might be the future, but Uncle Si is still crazy.
“Look, no time to talk,” he says. “I gotta open up your skull.” He pulls out what appears to be a pen from his belt.
“What is that?” you ask.
“They call it a Split Pea. It opens your skull and takes out the implants they’ve stuck in your brain.”
He presses on it, and two long metal spikes come out of the end, then snap a foot apart.
“And you want to stick that thing . . . in my head?”
“Yes. Right now. Hurry.”
Do you allow Uncle Si to crack open your skull with the Split Pea? Go here .
Do you say no but agree to join Uncle Si, whatever he’s doing? Go here .
A LONG, LONG TIME AGO
WHEN THE MACHINE touches down with a jolt, you step out and feel the hot sun beating down on you. At least you know John Luke, Jase, and Si weren’t pranking you. The question now is where the time machine brought you and whether your family members are around here somewhere too. This must be a faraway place. It doesn’t look anything like West Monroe. Or even like America, for that matter.
You call out for Phil several times, but he’s not around. For all you know, he could be in a totally different year. You couldn’t find a time machine instruction manual inside and had no idea how to direct the machine.
You appear to be in a desert of some kind, walking on a dirt road that looks frequently traveled, but not by cars.You only see footprints and animal prints, from horses and other creatures you can’t determine.
Maybe this is a different continent or something.
Just then, a figure in a long black robe approaches you. He’s wearing a hood, and you wonder if it’s Phil. But when he pulls off the hood, you recognize him instantly.
“Hey, aren’t you O —?”
“Oh no, you don’t,” the old man with white hair and a beard says. “We don’t want to cause any
“This is a priority level 7 case with a threat level of 0 percent. Subject with mental impairment and a loss of the CDG component.”
You look around the confined room you’re in.
Priority level 7?
Zero percent chance of being a threat?
Mental impairment?
Loss of the CDG component? Whatever that means.
“What is CDG again?”
The woman smiles. “That’s funny. I do like your humor. It’s a lost art, I believe.”
“What’s going to happen to me?”
“You will be let go. You’re obviously not a rebel soldier. We will clean you up and then process you before leaving.”
“Cleaning up” means they shave you. All of you. Your beard. Your head. Your body.
You had more hair when you were born.
You feel naked even after they give you the loose white pants and white shirt to wear. You feel like you’re in a kung fu movie.
Then they put you out in the elements —on some crowded street that’s dark and rainy and resembles the set of Blade Runner .
You have absolutely no idea how to get back to the time machine.
You walk down a couple of blocks, your odd plastic shoes feeling wrong against your bare feet. The raindrops on your bald head make you cold.
As you are about to turn down another street, a figure in a recessed doorway grabs you. Before you strike back at the assailant, you see the glasses.
It’s Si.
“Is that you, Willie?”
“Yeah. Of course it is! What are you talking about?”
“It’s just been a while since —well, since I’ve seen your face. And your head.”
You have to touch your face before remembering you’re as smooth as a newborn baby.
“Quick, we don’t have much time,” Uncle Si tells you. “We must do something, but you’re not going to like it.”
You notice Uncle Si is in black-and-gray battle gear, including a black military cap with a red fist logo. He’s carrying a gun on his hip and looks tanned and tough.
“What’s happened to you? Where have you been, Uncle Si?”
“I’m leading a revolution, man. It’s the sixties once again, and I’m John Lennon! I’m just looking for Yoko.”
It might be the future, but Uncle Si is still crazy.
“Look, no time to talk,” he says. “I gotta open up your skull.” He pulls out what appears to be a pen from his belt.
“What is that?” you ask.
“They call it a Split Pea. It opens your skull and takes out the implants they’ve stuck in your brain.”
He presses on it, and two long metal spikes come out of the end, then snap a foot apart.
“And you want to stick that thing . . . in my head?”
“Yes. Right now. Hurry.”
Do you allow Uncle Si to crack open your skull with the Split Pea? Go here .
Do you say no but agree to join Uncle Si, whatever he’s doing? Go here .
A LONG, LONG TIME AGO
WHEN THE MACHINE touches down with a jolt, you step out and feel the hot sun beating down on you. At least you know John Luke, Jase, and Si weren’t pranking you. The question now is where the time machine brought you and whether your family members are around here somewhere too. This must be a faraway place. It doesn’t look anything like West Monroe. Or even like America, for that matter.
You call out for Phil several times, but he’s not around. For all you know, he could be in a totally different year. You couldn’t find a time machine instruction manual inside and had no idea how to direct the machine.
You appear to be in a desert of some kind, walking on a dirt road that looks frequently traveled, but not by cars.You only see footprints and animal prints, from horses and other creatures you can’t determine.
Maybe this is a different continent or something.
Just then, a figure in a long black robe approaches you. He’s wearing a hood, and you wonder if it’s Phil. But when he pulls off the hood, you recognize him instantly.
“Hey, aren’t you O —?”
“Oh no, you don’t,” the old man with white hair and a beard says. “We don’t want to cause any