Free Willie's Redneck Time Machine by John Luke Robertson Page B

issues.”
    It’s totally him. Or someone who looks like him.
    “What issues?” you ask.
    “Licensing issues.”
    You shake your head, not understanding. “Am I on a movie set?”
    “No. Please. Listen to me now. You were meant to meet someone in the time machine, someone who would have explained the most important element of time travel   —the level 34-B bicode. But he didn’t arrive on schedule, so you have no way of knowing.” The man takes a deep breath. “The bicode ensures that you can’t die in other places and times. Anything can happen . . . but if you die, you’ll just find yourself back where you started.”
    “Oh . . . uh, that’s great.” But you don’t plan to die anytime soon, for fake or for real. You glance around and finally get where you are. “Is this the planet of Tat   —?”
    “Ah, ah, ah,” he interrupts. “Please. You must choose right this instant. Will you go back to your time machine or won’t you?”
    You consider it for a minute.
    “What is your decision?”
    “Will you tell me where to go?” you ask.
    He nods.

    If you choose to go back to the time machine, go here .
    And if you decide to stay out here where something bad is obviously going to happen, go here .
    “That’s certainly a difficult choice.”

2319

    HOW CAN YOU NOT STAY and help Si fight this war? Maybe you’ll be gone for a few weeks, maybe longer. But this is for a noble cause. People’s lives are in danger. The future is in your hands.
    A week into the war, you lose your left arm. Yes, this is a horrible thing. But it’s the future, so they simply give you a new arm. And the cool thing is that this arm is stronger and better than your old one. It can pulverize rocks while at the same time allowing you to watch a movie on your palm.
    This is the start of the fog.
    The fog begins to seep inside your thoughts.
    Every now and then, you have dreams or nightmares ofcircuitry and wiring and computer data. You hear strange computerized voices that remind you of Siri. You don’t feel so right with your body.
    Perhaps it’s being in the future. Perhaps it’s your synthetic arm.
    Then you lose your leg in battle and the same thing happens.
    Then you lose an ear and they give you a new one.
    Little by little, you start becoming one of them. A machine.
    And little by little, the person you once were goes away.
    The day comes when you win the war. But it’s been years. Uncle Si has been in an institution ever since losing the Tupperware cups his mother sent him when he was in Vietnam. You’ve forgotten where you’re from and how you got here. You don’t feel like yourself at all. And that’s because half of you really isn’t you.
    You live out the rest of your life in the future. Cyborg Willie: half machine.
    And then, one day, when you finally take your last breath   —and you utter a barely heard quack before dying   —you’re blasted into the past.
    You find yourself back in West Monroe, back in the present day, back as your former self, back at Duck Commander.
    And when the Britney Spears ringtone comes on, you’ve never been more joyful to hear that sweet, precious, beautiful song   —“Oops! . . . I Did It Again.” ’Cause it means you’re back. And all your body parts are your parts.
    THE END
    Start over.
    Read “The Morning Fog: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”

1990

    YES, YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING for John Luke in order to get out of here.
    Yes, they’ve started playing “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, and you really feel like dancing just a little bit. A girl jumps up and down right next to you, saying how much she loves this song.
    “They’re not really the ones who sing it,” you tell her. “Just so you know.”
    She has no idea what you’re talking about. No big deal.
    You wonder if the time machine that brought you here is still in the hallway.
    But you know you have to do this. There’s no way you can’t.
    You see one of the football players you