Free Fandango in the Apse! by Jane Taylor

a shit.’
    ‘Got to agree with you there honey. Trouble is, what are you going to do
about it?’
    ‘Do about it?  I’ve no idea…what would you do?’
    ‘You mean after I’d chopped his balls off?  That depends…’
    ‘On what?’
    ‘Whether or not I wanted to save my marriage.’ 
    My eyes strayed to the twelve by eight family photograph we’d posed for
the previous summer, which was now hanging in pride of place on the dining room
wall.  Two happy, mirror images of their father smiled out at me.  Eddie, his
blonde hair a shade darker than the boys, had a proprietary arm round my
shoulders and Jester, with a hopelessly stupid expression on his furry face, completed
the picture.
    ‘Oh, Alison… it’s all such a mess.’
    In the end, it came down to two choices – fight or flight.  I chose
fight.  I know you probably think I should have chucked him out and then taken
him for as much as I could get, and in hindsight, I wish I had.  However, you
have to understand, I was still labouring under the impression that I’d brought
his infidelity on myself.  Total horseshit when I think about it now, but at
the time, that’s how it seemed.
    So – in the battle to save my ailing union, my pre-emptory means of
defence was to diet.  In collusion with the wonderful women from WeightWatchers,
over the following six months, I shed the blubber until my size tens slipped
over slimmed down hips with ease.  Two notches tighter on the belt and a notch
up for the self-esteem.  Even Eddie had managed a compliment, well – not so
much a compliment, more an observation – but I wasn’t going to be picky.
    I was on a roll – or so I thought, right up to the point when my
carefully thought out strategy descended into a fiasco of seismic proportions. 
    Having unexpectedly secured a babysitter in the form of Eddie’s mother –
a woman with whom I had reached an uneasy détente in the Cold War of our
relationship – I took myself off to the gym.  On the way home, while sitting at
a set of traffic lights still high on exercise-induced endorphins, I happened
to look to my left.  You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?  Yep! 
Beautifully framed in the candlelit window of Giuseppe’s Italian Restaurant,
was my husband and his latest squeeze. This one was dark haired and staring
adoringly into Eddie’s eyes.  For  Christ’s sake!  What does a woman have to
do?

Chapter Six
    Totally,
against my character, I decided to say nothing to Eddie when he returned from
his “unavoidably late staff meeting”.  Perilously close to tears, it nearly
killed me to stay quiet, but I had the embryo of a plan simmering on the back
boiler.  I wasn’t my mother’s daughter for nothing; I knew the only solace for
my bitter soul was the sweet taste of revenge.  
    Eddie, now secure in his belief that he could get away with anything,
suspected nothing.  I hadn’t yet fine-tuned my schedule of retribution, when an
opportunity presented itself. 
    I have to tell you, those of you who have never suffered the gut
wrenching humiliation of infidelity will find what I’m about to tell you
disgusting.  Those of you who have, will also find it disgusting, whilst
wishing you had thought of it yourselves.  To me, it was a stroke of genius. 
Let me explain…
    I was standing at the sink looking out over the garden trying to muster
some enthusiasm for the day, when I noticed Jester behaving peculiarly.  He
seemed to be performing some sort of ritual dance, alternatively squatting and then
hopping around the lawn.  I watched for a while until he gave one almighty
heave, which resulted in a look of relief on his face and the appearance of a
strange object on the grass, (I told you this was disgusting).  Well used to
Jester’s penchant for eating just about anything, I went to investigate. 
    To my amazement sitting amid the contents of his bowel movement was a
pair of Sam’s underpants.  He had soiled them a few days earlier