it. âYouâll be okay. You always have fun in the end.â
She squirmed. âYeah, but I want to stay here with you.â
âIâd love that too, but I have to go out today and do some stuff. We can hang out tomorrow after school if you like. Maybe go to the park?â
Maddie never missed a beat. âWhat stuff do you have to do today? Are you going to be home tonight?â
âNot sure, kiddo. I might be staying out.â
She slid off the bed and trudged toward the door.
âLove you, Maddie,â I said lightly.
She couldnât help but turn and give me a little smile. âLove you
too
, Binie.â Then she leaped into my arms andgave me a Maddie specialty death squeeze before she was gone, her feet bounding loudly down the stairs.
I dropped my face into my good hand and sighed.
âWhat are you doing, Sabine?â I whispered, but just as quickly I rubbed my hand up and down, as if I could scrub the thought from my mind.
I
had
to know.
After an awkward, arm-wrapped-in-plastic-bag shower, I reapplied Band-Aids to last nightâs handiwork, dressed in a black cotton skirt, longer than usual at just above my knee, and a fitted burgundy T-shirt with long sleeves. It took twice as long to get ready with my banged-up wrist, but I managed to work out most thingsâeven my standard heavy-handed application of eyeliner and mascara, which worked well with my new black shaggy cut.
I sat down on my bed to start grappling with my boots, but instead I picked up my bag and found myself holding the plain white box of pills that would be my final test. I cringed when I remembered dropping my bag and how badly things couldâve gone when Ethan found the pills.
I couldnât risk something like that happening again.
Without another thought I started popping out the pills and placing them on my bedside table. One by one, I used the base of my water glass to crush them, reminding myself not to crush too many, but just enough.
Digoxin was the perfect drug. Iâd seen people come into the drugstore after taking an incorrect dose. As a heart medica-tion, mistakes resulted in an array of side effects, including blurred vision, heart palpitations, nauseaâit was quite a long list. It was the ideal way to test an internal physical response to a toxin. Best of all, there was an antidoteâDigibindâso if things went completely out of control, something could be done about it.
âA responsible risk,â I murmured while I searched around my room. âAha!â
I pulled the necklace out from a pile of junk on my dresser and started to twist the top off the silver butterfly pendant. Capri and I had both bought pendant necklaces at the flea market last year. Hers had a silver skull, but Iâd preferred the butterfly, and weâd both liked that they had secret chambers. At the time, weâd joked that theyâd come in handy when we were smuggling drugs.
Carefully I swept the powdered digoxin onto a piece of paper and funneled it into the bullet-shaped body of the butterfly before securing the head back in place.
If only Capri could see me now.
I cleaned away the evidence, taking the rest of the digoxin and packing it, along with my slice-and-dice tools, into my backpack. Iâd keep it with me and dump it at some stage during the day. I didnât want stuff like this lying around, especially the pills, where Maddie couldstumble across them. I slipped on the pendant, grabbed my backpack, and headed down to the kitchen just as the front door closed.
âMaddie?â I asked Mom and Dad, who were sitting at the kitchen table rifling through paperwork.
Mom glanced up briefly, her glasses resting halfway down her nose, making her look older than she was. âJust left with Mrs. Jefferies.â
I nodded, poured some water into the kettle, and began making toast. I also doled out a couple of painkillers the doctor had prescribed for my wrist. It