Free Screwed by Laurie Plissner Page B

the easy part. When she was dissecting cadavers in medical school, Emma Ryder never imagined that she would end up being a social worker as well as a doctor. “It’s a big decision, one that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life, whether or not you ever
choose
to have children someday. Not a decision to be made lightly or out of fear, because you’re the one who has to live with whatever you end up doing — not your parents, not your best friend, just you.”
    “I don’t know what to do.” The tears cascaded down her cheeks, again.
    “It’s not easy. There’s so much to think about. You don’t have any adults in your life to talk to? Right now you really need someone to take care of
you
, make you feel safe, whatever you decide.”
    Grace shook her head.
    “No aunts, grandmothers?” As she spoke, Dr. Ryder turned a dial on the ultrasound machine and held up the internal probe, a plastic cucumber in a latex sheath. “Now relax, and let’s take a look at you from the inside.”
    “Nobody,” whispered Grace as she tried to relax her pelvic muscles, silently vowing that she would never let anything or anyone inside her ever again.
    “There’s the baby, or the fetus,” Dr. Ryder said, pointing at a spot on the computer screen. “It’s about an inch across, but it starts growing pretty rapidly at this point. So if you do decide to terminate your pregnancy, it’s best if you take care of it within the next few weeks. It gets harder after that, both psychologically and technically.”
    “That’s my baby,” Grace whispered, dumbfounded by the fact that she and Nick had in the course of rolling around in his Jeep actually created a human life. It shouldn’t be that easy to make a baby. It should be complicated and time-consuming, like knitting a sweater or building a house. Looking at the pulsating shape on the screen, Grace could now imagine the bean as a baby, and she was scared about what that meant.
It
was no longer just an
it
.
    After Dr. Ryder had finished spelunking in Grace’s insides, she helped her sit up. “There you go. Your options are these. A termination, today or in the next couple of weeks, which we can perform here, or I can recommend a clinic closer to your home.” When Dr. Ryder first looked at Grace’s folder, she had wondered why they had come all the way to Massachusetts from Connecticut, but now she knew all too well. “If you choose to carry the baby to term, and you decide not to keep it, there are many couples who would love to adopt your baby. And there are many different kinds of adoption, which you can learn about if you decide to go that route. I’ll give you some brochures that explain the basics.”
    Grace still felt shaky, but something had changed. This wasn’t just about her, or Nick, or her parents, anymore. There was a strawberry-sized person growing inside of her. Not exactly in a position to take a moral stance, Grace still didn’t feel like abortion was murder, like those religious fanatics she sometimes saw on the news. But she did worry that if and when she ever had children on purpose, she would be unable to look at them without reliving the moment when she eradicated what would have been an older sister or brother. Could she handle that kind of
what if
?
    Even so early on, the fetus was recognizable as a person, with sort-of fingers and toes and ears. Grace was regretting having gone to see
Bodies … The Exhibition
in New York City, which had perfectly preserved fetuses at every stage of development on display. How could she get rid of what looked like a miniature baby, even if she wasn’t sure that a tiny creature that had no ability to survive on its own outside of her body was actually a baby? It was way too complicated an issue to tackle, especially in her current condition, with her hormones raging and her parents fuming. But she didn’t feel certain enough to take what on some level was a human life into her own hands.
    “I think I’ve