Free Actors Anonymous by James Franco Page A

to
act
. You understand? You need to be a little brokenhearted and a little beaten down. Does that make sense?”
    “Yes,” I said.
    “Have you ever been in love?” he said.
    I thought for a second, then said no.
    “Right, well, what have you done?”
    I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t done anything in my life. I was proud of nothing. I really did hate myself. I was just boring Ben.
    “I don’t think I’ve done anything. That’s why I want to act.” Then I said, “My father died.”
    He made a noise but said nothing else. I kept going,
    “I want to live in an imaginary world because my world is so stupid. I mean my dad died when I was twelve, and it was so dumb and worthless. Like I couldn’t even feel it, or I didn’t let myself feel it because it seemed like such a cliché, and so many people lose their dads, so who cares? Nobody really felt bad for me. I mean, not
really
. Not to the point that I ever felt like talking about it with anyone. Even my mom, she was so wrapped up in herself, I couldn’t talk about it with her.” Now I was crying as I spoke. It was the first time that I had cried in a long time.
    “And my dad was okay, but he wasn’t like a great guy or anything. He just owned a few fast-food places, and then he had a heart attack and died. It’s so boring, I hate to even think about it. And my grandpa died, and my cat died, and that’s about it for people dying. And I went to college for a year and studied literature and took a little acting, but it was so horrible, not like here.”
    “University acting courses are worthless,” said Mr. Smithson.
    “I
know,
they just made us pretend we were animals and it was so pointless that I would just pretend that I was a tree and stand there and no one cared; I would just stand there while everyone else was slithering on the floor, or growling, or jumping around. I stood in the corner with my arms down, a limbless tree, and no one said anything. After a while even that was too much, so I pretended I was a rock and sat on the floor.”
    Mr. Smithson didn’t say anything; he just worked his rubber band.
    I didn’t know what else to say. Then I said,
    “I raped a girl once. Well, it wasn’t rape, but I guess it was.” I didn’t look at him, I looked down at the tabletop. The story came out while I looked at the pattern of the wood grain, little rivers of different shades of brown. “We were both drunk and I think that she liked me. I mean, we were getting along before it happened and we kissed and everything, but then we were watching a movie and she passed out. I knew that I should have probably waited, but I didn’t.” All this stuff poured out, and I felt small but also like it was stuff I should say, and Mr. Smithson was the guy I should say it to.
    “I never saw that girl again. Her name was… well, I can’t think of her name right now. I think she might have left school after that. Maybe I ruined her life, I don’t know. I just did it, and it didn’t seem real, but then she woke up for a minute and looked at me, and then it felt so real. So I guess that is
something
. I mean, I have feelings aboutthat. I mean, I shouldn’t have done that. I know that now, but I can’t take it back. And I’ve never told anyone about it until now. You’re the first person I’ve ever told about that.”
    I was crying, I was crying so much and it wasn’t stopping. I felt so great.

STEP 6
Were entirely ready to have the Great Director remove all these defects from our “character.”

    Windsor Girl
    I’ M JUST A STUPID little girl who wants to be an actor. James wouldn’t want me writing this but I’ve taken over. I know I’m young, and everything I have to say is a cliché, but I also feel like I have a right, because he took my virginity. Maybe he took a lot of girls’ virginities, I don’t know. Well, maybe I do know, and yes he did. But I’m pretty damn sure he didn’t like any of them, at least the young virginal ones, as much