Free The Donut Diaries by Anthony McGowan Page B

was going a bit far, as the chance of them really being bugged was about one in a billion, and the chance of us being fined for stoning ducks was much higher, so I said, ‘Let he who hath not sinned cast the first stone,’ which I remembered from church. Nobody cast any stones, although Jim did push me off the wall and kicked me a couple of times when I tried to climb back up.

    Then we began. I summed up the recent events for those who were not fully abreast of the situation. When Jim had stopped laughing, I carried on:
    ME: So, basically, my theory is that the Brown Phantom is just out to frame me.
    SPAM: Cool. It’s like we’re in a movie.
    ME: It’s not in the least bit cool, Spam. I’m going to get expelled.
    SPAM: Yeah, sorry, not cool.
    JIM: But funny – you have to admit it’s quite funny.
    ME: You wouldn’t think it was funny if it was you getting framed.
    JIM: Yeah, but if it was me it really wouldn’t be funny.
    ME: How do you work that out?
    JIM: No offence, Donut, 1 but it’s because you’re fat. That makes everything slightly funnier. It’s not fair, I know, but I don’t make the rules.
    ME: Can we please stop talking about how fat I am, and get down to business?
    RENFREW: Donut’s right. We should try and find out who’s behind this.
    ME: Exactly – we have to unmask the Brown Phantom.
    JIM: How do you know he wears a mask? It’d be a bit stupid, wearing a mask around school. A teacher would just tell him to take it off and then everyone would know who the Brown Phantom was. You may as well just go around with a sign saying ‘Me, I’m the Brown Phantom’.
    ME: It was just a … Oh, never mind.
    SPAM: We could be like detectives!
    RENFREW: Bagsy I’m Sherlock Homes!
    SPAM: You can be him. He’s lame. I’m Batman.
    RENFREW: Batman’s not a detective, you doofus.
    ME: What is he, then?
    RENFREW: He’s a superhero.
    SPAM: A
crimefighting
superhero, i.e. a detective.
    RENFREW: My dad’s got a Sherlock Holmes hat.
    CORKY: (
Emits a short, sharp fart, indicating disapproval
.)
    ME: Corky’s right. This isn’t helping me. I need to find out who the Brown Phantom is, and I need to find out fast. Any ideas?
    JIM: Any thingamajig …
surveillance
footage?
    RENFREW: Nah. All the security cameras at school are just dummies.
    ME: How do you know?
    RENFREW: My brother and a load of other Year Tens all mooned one of them at the end-of-year disco, and nothing happened.
    CORKY: T-t-t-t-t—
    ME: Exactly, Corky.
    JIM: You should set a trap.
    ME: How?
    JIM: Well, as I see it, the Phantom has only ever struck when you haven’t got an alibi. That’s the weakness in your defence. But it’s also a weakness in the Phantom that you can whaddya-call-it …
exploit
.
    ME: I don’t get it …
    RENFREW: I see … it’s a way we can control the Phantom. He’ll make his move when you’re on your own, without anyone to say you didn’t do it.
    JIM: Yeah, exactly. Make sure he knows you’re alone, then he’ll strike, and you’ll be ready to nab him.
    ME: That’s one thing that’s really been bugging me. How the heck does he know where I am? I mean, like the first time, even I didn’t know I was going to the loo until I actually went.
    SPAM: He must have followed you.
    RENFREW: But how? No one else left our classroom after you.
    CORKY: Sp-sp-sp-sp—
    ME: A spy, Corky? You mean there was a spy in our class who must have informed on me?
    SPAM: Could be.
    RENFREW: How?
    SPAM: Text would be the obvious way.
    RENFREW: They’d have to be sly about it, though. Mobiles being banned in school and all.
    ME: Right, we’ve made progress. We’ve got two possible lines of investigation. We know the Phantom has someone on the inside, someone leaking information. And we know that he’ll strike again when I’m alone. The spy could lead us straight to the Phantom. And even if they don’t, then we can trap him when he tries to trap me.
    SPAM: I told you it was like a movie. And I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to