Free Dog Training The American Male by L. A. Knight Page A

featured a tail-wagging white Bichon.
     Nancy snatched the bottle of
aspirin out of his hand and staggered into the den. “The smell of that pizza’s
making me sick. I’m going to lie down . . . dammit!”
    “What? What’s wrong now?”
     “The bottle’s empty! Think you
could run down to the store and get me some?”
    “Sure. Only the NFL Pre-Game Show
is coming on in ten minutes; can it wait until halftime of the Dolphins –
Eagles game?”
    She teared up, her emotions lost
in a tempest sea. “Do you ever think of anyone but yourself? Just once I’d love
to see you make the bed, or throw your dirty clothes in the hamper. Or fold a
load of laundry . . . or wash a dish!”
    “Okay okay, I’ll get you some aspirin . . . geez.”
    “Make it Advil. And a box of
tampons.”
    “Aw, come on!”
    “What’s the problem?”
    “I’m a man. It’s embarrassing.”
     “Tampons, not maxi-pads. Get the
ones that say super-absorbent.”
    “All right already . . .geez.”
Jacob grabbed his van keys from a hook and exited through the kitchen door
leading out into the garage. Why do women wait until their period comes to
buy tampons? It’s like waiting until you have to take a shit to buy toilet
paper.
     He recalled Lana’s words the day
they moved in together. “Trust me, when my little sister’s doubled over with
menstrual cramps, you’re going to need something to change Mrs. Hyde back into
Dr. Jekyll.”
     He paused a moment to stare at
the large cardboard box containing his sex doll.
      Yoko never needed me to buy
her tampons. Or aspirin.
    Or a white foofie dog.

 
     

     
     
    FOOFIE
     
    Jacob turned into
the drugstore parking lot, his nerves shot. For several minutes he listened to
John Lennon sing Mind Games on his 8-track cassette deck before speed
dialing his brother’s cell number on his iPhone. “Vin, it’s me.”
    “Where are you?”
    “I’m in my van, sitting in front
of Walgreens. Nancy practically threw me out of the house to get her tampons
and Advil. Vin, I need your advice.”
    “Get the extra-strength.”
    “I’m serious. Things have changed
between us. When we first moved in together, everything was great. And now
my life has changed in oh so many ways . . . ”
    “Douche bag, it’s called the end
of the honeymoon phase. You think you were just going to get endless schtuppie without the emotional baggage?”
    “I just want her to stop yelling
at me. Do this, do that. Why can’t she put the toilet seat down?”
    “You want my advice? Apologize.”
    “You misunderstood. She’s the one
yelling at me. Why would I apologize?”
    “You’re apologizing because God
gave you a penis. In the bible it’s referred to as original sin . Adam
bit the apple, stuck his schmeckle in Eve and man has been apologizing
to women ever since, even though Eve made Adam eat the damn apple. And by the
way, if you think it’s bad now just wait until you get married and Nancy pops
out a few kids. You’ll be buying stock in Advil.”
    “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel
right to me.”
    “Jacob, do you want to be right
or do you want to get laid twice a week.”
    “Yesterday we got into a fight
over which way the toilet paper hangs.”
    “I’ve been married to Helen for
fifteen years and I still can’t get her to replace the roll so the paper hangs
over the top. Sure, it used to bother me . . . that was my
ego talking. Then I realized that by losing I was actually winning.”
    “I don’t understand.”
    “Women’s brains are wired to rule
the nest; it’s the natural order of the jungle. Take the lion, the King of
Beasts. Who hunts for food? The lioness. Who takes care of the cubs? The
lioness. You know what the male lion does all day? He lays around and licks his
balls. Who really wins? The male, that’s who. All you need to worry about are
those five days a month when the devil possesses her brain.”
    “Her sister, Lana warned me about
those days. She told me to