Free Lapham Rising by Roger Rosenblatt

with me. We’ve been through all this before.”
    “ You’ve been through all this. Don’t I have rights?”
    “No,” I tell him. “But if you’re a good dog, I will let you give the lecture for me, from the West Highland perspective.”
    I pause in my library to pay homage to Dr. Johnson with a respectful nod. Then, for the first time in weeks, I notice my computer screen. I have old e-mails from the children.
    Dear Dad:
    Mom says you’re going nuts—something about someone building a house. Don’t worry. You can always live with us, in the basement.
    Love,
Charles
    Dear Dad:
    Mom says you’re going ape—what’s new? Don’t worry. You can always live with us. We have a cage.
    Love,
Emma
    Dear Dad:
    Mom says you’re going postal. Don’t worry. You can always live with Charles or Emma.
    Love,
James
    Incautiously, I now recognize, I e-mailed Chloe when Lapham first started banging, to ask if she recalled where I kept the flamethrower. I had better respond to the children at once.
    Dear progeny:
    Thank you for your messages. I can assure you that there is no cause for alarm. Please calm your mother as well, if that is possible. As to the matter of her concern, I am coming to the end of a great new undertaking that not only will gratify me personally but, if viewed in the proper light, also will save much of civilization, now and for years to come.
    Love,
Dad
    There. That should allay everyone’s fears.
    As long as I’m at the computer, I take the opportunity to “visit” Lapham’s Web site. The banner headline announces: Lapham Considers Senate Race . I have no way of knowing whether this represents authentic news or whether it is simply one of the daily flailings of his mind. In another, earlier memo to his public, he announced that he was thinking of buying the Time Warner Company, but he soon learned that it was not for sale, for once. Some years ago, he briefly did produce his own magazine, which he called Lapham’s Weekly . Its chances of success were impaired by his refusal to hire an advertising director, mistakenly assuming that old family friends could be counted upon totake out ads, just as they might in a high-school yearbook; he insisted on writing all the articles himself; and it came out monthly.
    The current bulletin continues: “Fed up with politics as usual,” Lapham says he is “chucking his hat” into next year’s “Senate ring.” He has concluded that the “times call for an independent thinker” like himself, someone who will not “be beholden to special interesting groups.” What this country needs is “new beginnings.” He “believes in America.” He confesses to being a “hapless romantic.” Soon, he promises, he will be sending out a series of “boardsides” on public policy issues. “More to come.” Not if I can help it.
    He elaborates upon his senatorial ambitions. He sets out his positions on such matters as abortion, which he is “neither for nor against,” and school prayer, which he suggests “requires future study.” He is for equal opportunity but against quotas; he thinks that affirmative action “is a fine idea but should be controlled.” He supports public schools, yet “nothing beats a good prep-school education.” He will continue to fight for the separation of “church and statehood,” though for his own part, he always will do “what the good Lord says.” I should get Hector to ask the good Lord if Lapham is also considering running for the presidency.
    There are several attachments and appendices. The first of these is the text of a speech that Lapham delivered to themembers of the Yale Club of Schenectady, in which he praised the “incomparable value” of legacies. I’ll bet.
    Next is a transcript of a speech he gave at the Devon Yacht Club of East Hampton, concerning the incomparable value of the coat-and-tie rule. In Lapham’s view, eliminating this tradition, as some of the club’s “younger scamps” had proposed, would be