Free Funeral with a View by Matt Schiariti Page A

design, Rick?”
    I swallowed a mouthful of
Mary Jo’s potato salad. Almost as good as Mom’s Epic, but don’t tell my mother I
said that. “That’s right. I work for Colbert & Colbert Advertising in
Princeton. Been there about three years now.”
    “I’ve heard of that
firm,” The Colonel said. “They have a good reputation.”
    Brownie points for me.
    “That sounds like a good
solid job,” Mary Jo said. “Do you like it?”
    “Love it. Something
different every day.”
    “Would we know any of
your clientele?”
    “Not sure. I have one big
project right now. A placed called Helena’s Heaven out in West Windsor.”
    “Oh, I know that place!” Jude
said. “That’s a top end lingerie store and adult boutique.”
    The sound of birdsong and
mosquitos meeting fiery death in the bug zapper magnified tenfold in the
silence.
    “And how would you know
about a place like that, Jude?” The Colonel grunted, his eldest now the focus
of his evil eye.
    Jude rolled her eyes. “Daddy,
I’m not a nun, you know. Rob has gotten me quite a few gifts from there
before.” Rob was Jude’s fiancé. Helena’s wasn’t cheap, but judging by the size
of the rock on Jude’s ring finger, I doubted that was an issue.
    Mary Jo Cleared her
throat. “Jude works in West Windsor. She teaches English at the high school.”
    I’d known that already.
Catherine told me a while ago. But even if I hadn’t, the ‘English Teachers Do
It In School’ T-shirt she wore would have tipped me off to her profession.
    “Did you go to college
around here?”
    “Sure did. Ryder.”
    “Ryder,” The Colonel
said. “Good school. I was a Princeton man, myself. Speaking of which,” he took
a bite of hamburger, some of which remained in his mammoth moustache as he
spoke, “how is Bill doing these days, Kit Cat? Haven’t spoken to him in a dog’s
age.”
    Catherine tensed, and
Jude—who I’d quickly learned to be a troublemaker of the highest order—seemed
uncomfortable and paid extra attention to her summer sausage.
    “Bill’s doing fine last
time I checked. We haven’t seen him since the holiday.”
    “Next time you do, tell
him I said hello, would you? You know, Rick, Bill’s father and I go way back. I
met Bill at a Princeton alumni dinner while he was playing football. Before his
injury. Always liked that Bill. There’s a man who’s going places. He’s some hotshot
financial advisor a little ways north isn’t he? Somerset, if memory serves.”
    There was no doubt in my
mind that The Colonel’s memory was in perfect operating condition. I picked up
on the subtext. He preferred Bill for his little girl to a guy like me. Maybe I
didn’t fit into his ideal boyfriend template. Bill helped people turn millions
into more millions. Me? A lowly graphic designer, working his ass off to climb
my way up the corporate ladder. Something told me that even if Catherine hadn’t
become pregnant, I still wouldn’t be good enough for his Kit Cat.
    “Yeah, that Bill. He’s a
real go-getter. I guess I have good taste in best friends.” I took a big pull
of my beer.
    Mary Jo smiled her good
hostess’s smile. Jude and Catherine remained quiet.
    “Mind if I use the
bathroom?”
    “Not at all, Rick.” Mary
Jo pointed to the house. “Go straight through the kitchen. First door on the
left.”
     
    ~~~
     
    I dried my hands, turned
off the light, opened the bathroom door ...
    And walked directly into
The Colonel. He stood in the hallway, hands on hips, moustache an angry
upside-down V.
    “Jeez, you scared the crap
out of me.”
    “Come with me for a
minute, son.” He turned his back and walked off.
    Right.
    I followed him through the
mysterious double doors and into his study. Time for a cigar and a bit of
brandy? I doubted it. But, determined as I was to make everything go as
smoothly as possible, I shadowed him without protest.
    The room impressed me
with its great view, dark wood trim, large desk, built-in bookshelves, and wood
burning