liquidate everything in the kill
coordinates.”
“Sir, I
think a couple of rare Kobe steaks should get the tiger back on her feet,”
interjected the vet.
“What the
fuck you moron? Didn’t you get this circular?” cried the Premier.
“Worst
part is, it’s a conventional missile only if her heart stops within Russian
territory….”
Dong Ki
continued, “…so if Zoya’s heart were to stop somewhere outside Russian
territory, say for example, here at the Fangchun Tower in the Jinlin province
of China, you get nuked… the Russians have kept that a secret.”
Gong’s
last words were, “....circular… dated… April 1 st … thought F…S...B…
joke… no… no….”
To ease
the pain until his posse showed up, Dong Ki Moon ordered the simmering vet to
administer some animal grade opiate to the Chinese Premier. The dreamy Premier Xiannian
waved good bye, as the North Koreans along with the sleeping tiger vacated the
scene.
Federal Space Agency, Moscow
Yuri
called up the 1800-TIGER-RUSS painted on his desk and informed the situation to
an SVR guy.
“…so what
I am saying is that our tigress Zoya might be in grave danger…don’t you get
it…?
The SVR
guy while concerned, sounded nonchalant as he was put Yuri on hold, “Yuri, hang
on a second. I’m getting another call…”
Sasha the
SVR dude got a call from someone way up on the SVR org chart. Then Sasha got
another call from the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Sasha listened to
both calls intently.
Five
minutes later he called back Yuri and informed him that all was well and he
should stop worrying about Zoya for the time being. Things had been taken care
of.
“But…”
“Just keep
an eye on Arkady’s bowel movements.”
Chapter 11
Kremlin, Moscow
“Madam
President, I think this is a terrible idea. And I want this to go on the
record… you know,” declared Mika the presidential guard. This was beyond madness.
The
President was unmoved.
“At least
we should check with my boss…”
“Mika, get
a grip. I am like your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss. So shut the fuck up. Otto lead
the way,” said Anna Petrova.
The
President’s yellow phone rang. She hesitated… she was on the precipice of
something here… darn it, it was Sergey Luzkhov the Foreign Minister.
She had to
answer it. Probably important.
“Whats up
Sergester?”
“Madam, apologize
for the late call, but there was an incident in the Far East.”
“Make it
fast…”
“Uh… the
Chinese… they tried to go after one of your tigers… our tigers. We believe it’s
a retaliation for those trains.”
“I thought
we took pre-emptive measures.”
“Sure, we
were thinking along the lines of Damansky Island or some silly trade embargo. Well
they got creative. We can’t predict everything Ma’am.”
“Ok.
Thanks for the update. I am kind of in the middle of something right now. Bye.”
“Oh. There
is one other thing…” Luzkhov persisted.
“Hmm?”
“We didn’t
save tiger Zoya, it was the North Koreans who saved her.”
“What? But
why did they get involved? Are we even allied?”
“Err… well
they didn’t want to get sucked into a nuclear blowup. Out there the DPRK also
has an ICBM silo. It’s about 5 Km from ours. So if a nuke went off the
Americans would jump on it and spin things to say that the North Koreans did
it.”
“Even if
it was a Russian nuke?” asked Petrova incredulously.
“Yep. They
wouldn’t dare accuse us. Even if they did we would deny... with proof. And nobody
wants another he-said-she-said quagmire at The Hague. No. That’s not their
style. North Korea would be the easy bogeyman. A great chance to sell more
shitbirds to Tokyo and Seoul….”
“…any
casualties on our side?”
“None.
Like I said we have zero assets out there… by design. But the Chinese
intelligence chief was killed. Their Premier Xiannian probably won’t walk for a
while.”
“What the
fuck??? Why were the Premier