Free Little Rainbows by Helena Stone

lips.
    When her alarm went off, she was more than ready to leave the dreams behind and face the day, even if it meant deciding whether or not she could stay here and explore all the new emotions assaulting her.
     
    * * * *
     
    Jason thought he might be losing his mind. He didn’t think he’d manage to sleep. He couldn’t get his mind to shut up, couldn’t stop cursing himself. It didn’t matter that Heather thought he wasn’t to blame for the night’s fiasco, he knew better. It was his duty, his job to know what he was doing, to keep his subs and his clients safe. And he had failed.
    He’d walked straight from the door to his bedroom. One look at his bed told him he was in the wrong place and he walked out again. He could hear the whiskey bottle whispering his name but knew one glass could easily turn into a full bottle and he needed to be clear-headed tomorrow morning. He went to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. A cup of tea, the Irish answer to every problem, would have to do.
    He should never have mentioned the exhibition to her, should have refused to take her to see it. Why hadn’t he picked up on her distress earlier? If he’d walked her out of there the first time she’d tensed up, none of the rest would have happened.
    Now Heather thought she wasn’t up to working with him. She thought she had to leave when all she’d been was brave, and kind and all too generous. It didn’t matter what she said. He knew it had been his responsibility to keep her safe, and he had failed.
    When the kettle boiled, he poured the steaming water into a mug, added a teabag and some sugar and waited for the liquid to the turn the right shade of red. Sitting down at the kitchen bar, he allowed the fragrant steam to blow into his face while his thoughts continued to spin through his head.
    At least he now knew why his body had stopped reacting when he played with subs and why he had lost all interest in dominating. His body knew what his mind had been slow to cop on to. He couldn’t be trusted to do his job. Whatever it was he used to have that allowed him to read women, to anticipate their wants, needs, desires and boundaries, had been lost somewhere along the way. He’d have to figure out how to run this place without participating in the scenes. It wouldn’t be easy and there would be questions, but it had to be possible. If he didn’t—he shuddered at the thought—he might well end up causing real harm before too long. He’d never allow a so-called Dom as insecure as he was right now, to play with one of his subs. The conclusion was easy. He didn’t have the right to break his own rules.
    The decision brought him a sense of relief. He’d no idea what his life would look like without the BDSM dynamic, couldn’t quite imagine not being in total control. But he could learn. Surely he’d be able to adjust. He might even find a way of enjoying vanilla sex and ‘plain’ relationships.
    Of course it had never worked for him in the past. But that had been before he’d lost his drive as well as his instincts. Without those he was no different from any other vanilla male. Forgetting about the high he used to get out of being in control had to be easier than living with the risk of doing serious harm. His choice had been made. It wasn’t easy, but it was for the best. It would be one thing less to worry about, and God only knew how badly he needed fewer things to worry about.
    He nearly burnt his tongue when he took the first sip of tea. It felt appropriate. He deserved the pain. Still restless, he got up and walked into the living area and sat down on the couch only to get up again and pace around the room.
    Heather. He couldn’t stop thinking about the woman. Ever since she’d walked into his office, his mind had been buzzing with images of her. Even now, just thinking about her, remembering those eyes as they’d looked into his before she’d lowered her gaze, his cock stirred in his pants. He couldn’t