Free Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley

wouldn’t treat even cannibal heathens and one-eyed pigmies in such a scurvily devouring fashion. There isn’t a prince in Christendom who’d consent to listen to such evil counsel – and most of ’em would spill your foul brains on the stones.
(To the SOLDIERS.)
Take these rogues into custody – and if they speak a single word, knock ’em on the head –
    FIRST SOLDIER: What, Majesty – our captain too, Sir Skip?
    KING: He’s no longer your captain – but a rogue and a vagabond, like the other fella. Take ’em away.
    FIRST SOLDIER: Ay, ay, Majesty. But where to?
    KING:
(Uncertainly.)
Well now – let us see –
    MALGRIM and NINETTE, now in medieval costume again, suddenly appear
.
    MALGRIM:
(Smoothly.)
Your Majesty, may I make a suggestion?
    KING:
(Rather startled.)
Who the devil are you? Oh yes – enchanter fella. Pushin’ fella – don’t overdo it.
(Notices NINETTE, who is smiling at him.)
Where have you been, Ninette? And where’s our daughter?
    NINETTE:
(Seductively.)
I’ll explain everything, sire – as soon as we’re alone. But – Master Malgrim –
    MALGRIM:
(Taking the lead.)
Your Majesty, please allow me to take charge of these two prisoners. A little experiment – for the benefit of our art and science –
    KING: Turn ’em into something, eh? Not a bad idea. But that doesn’t mean you’ve now got a Court Appointment, understand? Off you go, then.
(As they all move off but NINETTE, he realises he is both tired and thirsty.)
Cupbearer? No, no, you can go. Lady Ninette can act as cupbearer.
    NINETTE:
(Smiling.)
Of course, sire.
    KING:
(Holding out his tankard.)
Fill then, Ninette. And help yourself too, girl.
(As she fills the two tankards.)
Never an hour’s peace these days. King Arthur summons us to Camelot. Then he countermands the summons. Our daughter’s half off her head – and now missing. In love with a mythological character. Fellas arriving from nowhere, not properly dressed. Appoint a fella Captain of our Guard and discover he’s an impudent rogue. Enchanter keeps popping up and out without so much as a by-your-leave. Just can’t cope with it. Must be getting old.
    NINETTE:
(Close to him, smiling.)
Oh – no – sire – you’re in the prime of life – our Majesty’s rather tired and rather hot – allow me –
(She pats his brow with a hankerchief and then smooths it with her hand.)
    KING:
(Pretending not to enjoy all this.)
All very well – but where’s our daughter?
    NINETTE: She’s been very naughty, sire. She left our world, looking for this man. Now she’s on her way back – with Master Malgrim’s uncle, the other enchanter – a horrible old man called Marlagram –
    KING: Marlagram? Is he still around? Remember him with Merlin years and years ago. Of course he’s a lot older than we are.
    NINETTTE: Of course, sire. And in any case – as my aunt the sorceress used to tell us – a man is only as old as he feels –
    KING: She said that, did she? I wish we’d thought of it. Brilliant original woman your aunt – always said so…always said so…
    NINETTE: You need someone like Master Malgrim to relieve you of all the boring routine duties, don’t you think? You can’t do everything yourself, it’s too much –
    MELICENT, dressed as before, is now in the room, with MARLAGRAM, in his original costume, behind her. MELICENT is blazing with fury
.
    MELICENT:
(Angrily, as she crosses to them.)
I should think it
is
too much.
    KING:
(Angrily.)
Don’t talk to us like that. Where have you been? What have you been doing? And who the devil’s this?
(Pointing to MARLAGRAM.)
    MARLAGRAM:
(Not at all alarmed.)
He he he he! Surely you remember me, King Meliot?
    KING: Go away, Marlagram. It’s bad enough having your nephew pushing himself forward all the time –
    MARLAGRAM:
(Cutting in.)
A bright lad – but mischievous – a tricky plotter –
    MELICENT: Is my Sam still in the dungeon?
    KING:
(Angrily.)
He isn’t your Sam – but he
is
in the dungeon – and there