Free American Freak Show by Willie Geist Page A

heart, and my dong, disagree with the Man Upstairs on this one. I’ll admit, I hoped you’d get a chance to see that dong I just mentioned because when I go tanning, I brown the whole bird. Also, I thought, she’s really gonna get along great with my four boys. This person could be my soulmate, and she’s got great haunches for hiking.
    But it wasn’t until our group date that I truly fell in love. The moment you grabbed my hand and kissed me while we all were out deep sea fishing is one I’ll cherish forever. I felt bad for Gary Hart just sitting there awkwardly and for my friend John Ensign hurling over the side of the boat, because they’re both super-cool guys, but for those few magical seconds, there were only two people on that vessel: Mark and Heather. “Magical” is a pretty douchey word, too, I guess, but if telling you that you are my “magical soulmate” makes me a douche bag, then I guess I’m a complete douche bag.
    As I’ve told you, Heather, I will move to Oregon with you in a heartbeat. My term as governor is up and here’s a news flash: Columbia, South Carolina, is a hellhole. I love God, but I’m afraid he forgot to shine his light on Columbia. Good Lord, is it bad. The farther and faster I can get away from there, the better. Plus, I need to get away from my ex-wife. She scares the s**t out of me. That woman is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. You’d fake long trips on the Appalachian Trail, too, trust me. She’s terrifying. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I have my bags packed already. If you screw me over here tonight, I’ll probably just go stay on my buddy’s couch in Myrtle Beach ’til this thing blows over.
    Before I go, I just want to leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes. It comes from Dr. Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy . She said to McDreamy, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” So I ask you, Heather, to pick me, to choose me, and to love me. Oh, man. I hate that I’m crying right now. I should probably tell you up front that I might do something drastic if you don’t pick me—I’m in a weird place right now. Just an FYI. Love you, doll. You are my soulmate.
    Powerful stuff, Heather. How you feeling after seeing that?
    “Well, he’s definitely a giant pussy—what man quotes Grey’s Anatomy and uses the word ‘soulmate’ that liberally? Sometimes I wonder if he’s gay. But there’s something very endearing about him. Kind of a dim-witted Southern charm. His is a unique brand of creepiness.”
    No question about it. A lot to think about there, but right now let’s turn to the other man fighting for your affection tonight. This personal video message comes to you from Eliot, and the good people at Listerine Breath Strips.
    ELIOT, 51
Former New York Governor
    What’s up, Heather, you tasty little tomcat? It’s me, Grendel. Grrrrrrrr! Sorry, America—little inside joke there. I’m gonna be honest with you, Heather, I didn’t come here looking for love. Some of my advisors thought it would be a good move for the ol’ career rehab. That Client 9 business set me back a bit. The idea was that I’d look to the public like a man who knew how to love and respect women and not just a creep who likes to have hookers step on him with stilettos while he’s tied to a medieval torture rack. I just liked the idea because I figured there’d be some primo twenty-something ass involved.
    Well, a funny thing happened on the way to career rehab—I fell head-over-heels for a nice little slut named Heather who doesn’t mind dressing up like Princess Leia for “the Luv Guv.” I trademarked “Luv Guv” by the way—full line of energy bars and crotchless panties on my Web site. Little plug there.
    So when did I know this was something special? I guess it was that first night when we were in the hot tub with former Florida congressman Mark Foley—thank God you unloaded that freak, by the way. He didn’t seem terribly interested in you as he chugged