Free American Freak Show by Willie Geist

arrive. She failed field sobriety tests miserably before telling the officers about the brandy and Cokes. She blew a healthy .17 and was arrested for drunk driving.
    Yes, driving drunk is objectively bad—no two ways about it. But do we as a society ignore the good deed that followed? Does it count for nothing? Do we throw the sinner out of the church for good?
    Or do we reward her brave decision to right the wrong? Whatever happened to redemption? Can you imagine if we had left Ted Kennedy on the ash heap of history after his traffic troubles? Perhaps Drunk Lady will also go on to become one of our greatest United States senators. Who can say for sure?
    Ethicists, and drunk drivers, will debate these important questions for generations to come.

Chapter 7
The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love
    One beautiful woman looking for the man of her dreams. Twenty-five creepy politicians vying for her heart. This is . . . The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love.
    I ’m your host Chris Harrison and this is the season finale of The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love. Tonight, after 12 weeks of laughter, tears, and unforgettable rose ceremonies, Heather will make the most difficult decision of her life: which of the two remaining political creeps will she choose—and which will be sent home heartbroken like 23 men before him? Before we hand out the final rose, let’s go all the way back to D ay O ne to hear why our bachelorette came here looking for love.
    “My name is Heather, I’m a 27-year-old technical business relations consultant from Lake Oswego, Oregon. I’ve been in some really bad relationships, so I’m definitely here to fall in love and find someone to share my life with. My grandmother always told me that the best way to find a meaningful relationship is to become a contestant on a reality television show. So here I am, Nana.
    “I guess I’d say I’m attracted to powerful men. Especially elected officials with complicated private lives and deviant sexual habits. My last relationship was with a member of the Lake Oswego City Council. We broke up after he was fired for downloading Malaysian scat porn on a government computer. It broke my heart to lose him that way.
    “I’m hoping and believing that one of these 25 amazing men is the One. I’m looking for love. If I don’t find it here, I don’t think I’ll find it anywhere.”
    Let’s bring her out on the biggest night of her life—ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Heather. You look absolutely stunning. How are you feeling?
    “Wow. Honestly, I feel sick to my stomach. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. No one prepares you for the fact that you can fall in love with two different creeps at the same time. My night in the Ikea Fantasy Suite with Governor Spitzer only made this harder. Ugh. I’m so confused right now, Chris.”
    There is no question you have a very difficult decision to make. Two successful, freaky politicians, and only one rose. This promises to be our most dramatic rose ceremony ever. I know I’m contractually obligated to say that every week, but this really is huge.
    Heather, before you make that choice, the guys made one final pitch for your heart. They asked me to pass along these personal video messages. The first one is from Mark, and brought to you by Buffalo Wild Wings.
    MARK, 50
South Carolina Governor
    Hey, Heather. I can’t believe this is all ending. What a magical journey. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of not being with you when this is over. I thought I had found my soulmate in that Argentine lady until I met you. Plus, the commute to Buenos Aires was becoming a real bitch. So you are my soulmate, Heather. A lot of guys would be afraid to use a douchey term like “soulmate” in public, but Mark Sanford doesn’t care what anybody thinks. You are my soulmate. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate!
    Of course my first reaction when I saw you was, Wow! She’s super-hot. God’s telling me not to do it, but my