Free Afire: Entire Blinded Series by Sarah Masters

palms against her thighs. “How am I going to explain this to people? How could you do this to me?"
    I sigh, look down, and think on the fact that my courage has finally arrived. And there was me thinking it wouldn't. That I'd be stuck here till fuck knows when, rotting in the house with her. “I'm sure you'll think of something to tell them.” Without looking at her, I walk down the stairs, toward the door that represents freedom, the future uncertain. Frightening.
    My hand on the door knob, I stand on the mat and lower my head, steeling myself for what's to come. There it is, a shriek of anger, ripping through the air and bringing memories from the past, of times when she'd got herself into a stew and went for me with the belt. Or her fists. Her feet.
    No more. I step outside, closing the door on that terrible sound, muted now, though still piercing somehow. Looking down the road, I spot Ryan standing beneath a lamppost, the orange glow giving him an aura. I walk toward him and drop my bag beside me.
    "I've left,” I say, hands in pockets, head down. “Gonna go and live in the middle of nowhere so no one can bother me. I can't stay here. Not with her telling everyone what a disappointment I am. And she will, despite being appalled. She'll do anything for a bit of attention. Always has.” Where had that come from? The knowledge that I'll find somewhere remote to live?
    Ryan grasps my arm. “Come and stay at my place. I don't give a fuck what people say. We can, you know, be together...if you want."
    And I do want. Fuck, yeah, I want it so bad I can taste it, but I need to get to grips with this shit. Get my head sorted. I can't do that living here, everyone pointing their fingers, the risk of bumping into Mum in town, and Ryan, my fucking gorgeous Ryan, a brilliant distraction.
    I lift my head, tears brimming, and sigh. “If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?"
    Ryan nods, face serious. “Yup. Tell me whatever you like."
    "I feel like...uh, like I've got to find myself, know what I mean?"
    He nods again. “I know what you mean. You go. Do it, but you'll stay in contact, yeah? Let me know where you wind up?"
    I stoop and pick up my bag. “I will. And hey, maybe you'll come and see me one day.” A lump grows in my throat, and shit, it hurts. I hate myself for acting like Ryan means nothing. That I'm prepared to leave him behind. He's my best damn friend—a part of me, always will be—but man, I've got so much shit in my head that I need to get away. A clean break. Sort myself out.
    "I will. When you're ready.” Ryan's eyes fill.
    It's like he knows. Knows we'll meet again and that I just want a bit of time and space. Maybe we're so close he can feel it, senses what I need and that nothing has changed between us. If anything it's got stronger, this love, this thing we have, but if it's meant to be, fuck, we'll pick it up again later. Too much has gone on in my life for me to stick around now. The urge to get the hell away is so strong it's like I'm suffocating, and despite leaving Ryan behind, it's something I've got to do. Otherwise I'll be fit for nothing later on, if a memory triggers the crap from the past and I break down, everything tumbling out, possibly causing a rift between us. And I wouldn't want that. This is for the best. Really, it is.
    I stare at him, and Jesus, what happened back there seems as though it never did. Another dream. Another wish that never came true.
    "Well, um, I'd best be off, then.” My eyes burn.
    "Yeah. Yeah, you take care, all right? And I'm here whenever you want me. Fuck knows I don't want you to go, and I'll miss you, but I get where you're coming from. You need time, that's all."
    I nod, grateful he understands, yet I'm torn apart inside. I should just go, walk away, and not look back.
    I want to kiss him. Hold him. Smell him.
    I stare at the ground and force one foot in front of the other, my insides hollowing the further away from him I get. This path I'm