Free Unashamed by Emma Janson Page B

the identity of the man on the other end. For a split second I thought I knew who it was, but it couldn’t be.
    “This is Robert.” As soon as he said it, the internal voice in my head screamed, holy fuck, you were right . Robert waited to speak again because he certainly knew his call would turn my life upside down. To this day there is just no other way to explain how I nearly shit a brick. Like physically managed to formulate a hard, heavy square concrete object in my colon and let it rip through my asshole before it dropped to the ground with a thud. Luckily, my butt hole puckered and I can only say I nearly shit a brick when my first love called me.
    He finally broke the silence but spoke without proper sentence breaks to prevent me from interjecting. “I’m not with my daughter’s mother anymore, and I know this is totally out of the blue. Um, your mom gave me your number. I hope it’s okay. Anyway, I never stopped loving you. I still love you, and I just thought we could talk.”
    I’ll admit I was very glad he called, despite everything. We caught up on the past two years and ended the call on a positive note. I actually had plans to return to my hometown for a wedding. “Do you remember Sunny from junior high? She’s getting married and I already bought the tickets so I could attend her wedding. If you want Robert, I would like to see you,” I said.
    He answered back, “I’d like that.”
    After my arrival in Ohio the summer of 1997, I became swept up in the circle of innocence surrounding my first love all over again. All the things I loved about him as a teenager were still the same with additional maturity and the drive to be a better man. He was working insane hours, taking care of his daughter during his visitation, and building a house on his own time. Yet he managed to squeeze me into his busy schedule and attend the wedding with me. I was convinced he was the man I could spend the rest of my life with and was willing to take on the role as a loving stepmother to his child.
    I didn’t worry about Steven or our plans to be married so we could protect our lives as gay soldiers. I was in love with my high school sweetheart. I felt like the feeling had never left me and never would. Therefore, it was only right to begin our engagement on the week I was home. The plan was for him to move to Arizona with me and be married in December. Our only major concern was the decision he had to make about gaining full-time custody of his daughter or to give it up for our new life together.
    Love-struck choices led him to give me an engagement chain he had worn since junior high. We figured the rings would come soon enough. He claimed he never took it off, not even to shower, and that it was now mine to symbolize our newly established status as a couple. I cried as he gently placed it around my neck before we made love for the first time. He was the missing piece in my heart. He was a worker, a protector, a best friend, and a wonderful father.
    Robert accepted my underlying bisexuality, but we never talked about it in depth. The only time it was mentioned was when we dropped off his daughter at her mother’s apartment. I was overwhelmed with the way it had all worked out between Robert, his ex, and me. She got what she gave in full circle, and I was secretly gloating over how ironic a turn the love triangle had taken.
    I wanted her to see me sitting next to her daughter in the truck with Robert by my side. She caused me so much anguish on my living room floor that it wasn’t necessary to say a word to her. I remained speechless as we drove into the complex to meet her outside.
    She was initially shocked to see me. It hurt her in a way that only the situation could provide. To me, it was worth every second to let her sort out her anger and disgust right in front of my smiling face. I sat quietly as they talked through the window about times for the next visit and argued about losing pacifiers.
    When a friend of