Free Punish Me with Kisses by William Bayer

already admitted that."
    She stared at him, shaking her head in amazement.
    "You're not afraid of me, are you?"
    "Of course not."
    "I'm glad. But when you look at me now, I guess you sort of think of me as a bum."
    "That's not true."
    "Isn't it? That's what I am, right? What did Robinson say? That I took you all for a ride? Yeah—I did, I guess. Except nobody ever understood. I wasn't some crazy sex fiend like they tried to make you think. That wasn't why I did those films. It was to live on, because I was hungry, and I needed to eat, and somebody offered me the deal, so I took off my clothes and fucked and sucked, and so what anyway? I mean, what the hell? I never harmed anybody. Those pictures never hurt a living soul."
    "I never cared about that."
    "Sure you did. You thought I should have told you. You were right. But how could I? What was I going to say? 'Gee, babe, I've done some porn, you know, like this far-out flick, Pussy Ranch .'"
    "What?"
    " Pussy Ranch . Pretty good, right? It was about this kid who—well, never mind. The plot wasn't much anyway. I took it seriously, though. Did the best I could."
    "How many of these things were you in?"
    "Six or eight. I don't remember now. They shoot them so fast, a couple of days at most. Then they cut them together or split them apart. You never know how many pictures they're making. They pay you by the day."
    "How much?"
    "Hundred and a quarter. More now I guess. Hey, why are we talking about all this crap, anyway? It's just something I did." She shook her head again, trying to contain her smile. "What's the joke?"
    "Oh, nothing. When I met you, the first time I saw you, you were reciting Gerard Manley Hopkins, and if anybody had told me then you'd been in something called Pussy Ranch —"
    He started to laugh, too. "You wouldn't have believed it, would you?"
    "Nope."
    "Remember that poem? '. . . how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing—' "
    "Yes," she said. "I haven't forgotten that."
    He was quiet for a while, and as she looked at him she began to feel something strange. Was it a melting, like that first time on the cliffs? How crazy, to feel that way now.
    "You were great."
    "What?"
    "At the trial—you were really great. To think that I was worried about you. We were all worried, actually. Schrader, his people, especially me. But you socked it to them, babe. You got up there and performed ."
    He was looking at her with such admiration that she felt embarrassed and lowered her eyes.
    "You were really something else."
    Finally, when she realized it was seven o'clock, and that she'd devoured four saucers of peanuts and drunk five glasses of wine, she told him she had to go. She paid the bill, and when he offered to escort her home she told him firmly she'd manage by herself.
    "Well," he said as they parted ways, "I hope we can do this again sometime."
    Â 
    H e called her the next afternoon. They met again in the lobby and returned to the same bar for drinks. Afterwards they bought pizza slices at a storefront stand and ate them on the street. She told him about her running. He said he understood why she did it and that he admired her for leading such a disciplined life. She asked him if he still practiced throwing his voice.
    "Yeah," he said, "every night, with gravel in my mouth."
    She looked at him sharply. Was he really bitter, or just kidding around? She still couldn't tell, and she wished she could. There was something in his grin—something caustic and rebellious, yet vulnerable and mellow, too.
    He was waiting for her in the lobby on Wednesday, and again they had drinks. On Thursday they went to a Philippine restaurant. The food was awful, but they laughed about it anyway.
    "This is sauteed pig's navel," he said, "stuffed with goose shit."
    "And this," she said, holding up her fork, "is goat's tonsil in extract of mildew sauce."
    "You're disgusting."
    "You chose this place," she said.
    He didn't call on Friday and didn't show up either. She