Free Always and Forever, Lara Jean by Jenny Han

SAT scores.
    “Fuck them.”
    “Peter.”
    “Sorry. Screw them.” He exhales. “This is insane.”
    Automatically I say, “Well, it’s not insane . UVA ’s a really competitive school. I’m not mad at them. I just wish I was going there.”
    He nods. “Yeah, me too.”
    Suddenly, we hear the toilet flush from the hallway, and we both freeze. “You’d better go,” I whisper.
    Peter gives me one more hug before climbing back out my window. I stand there and watch him run down the street to where he parked his car. After he drives away, I check my phone, and there are two missed calls from Margot and then a text from her that says, I’m so sorry.
    And that’s when I start to cry again, because that’s when it finally feels real.

9
    WHEN I WAKE UP IN the morning, it’s the first thing I think of. How I’m not going to UVA , how I don’t even know where I’m going. My whole life I’ve never had to worry about that. I’ve always known where my place is, where I belong. Home.
    As I lie there in bed, I start a mental tally of all the things I’m going to miss out on, not going to a college just around the corner from home. The moments.
    Kitty’s first period. My dad’s an OB , so it’s not like he doesn’t have it covered, but I’ve been waiting for this moment, to give Kitty a speech about womanhood that she’ll hate. It might not happen for another year or two. But I got mine when I was twelve and Margot got hers when she was eleven, so who knows? When I got my first period, Margot explained all about tampons and what kind to use for what days, and to sleep on your belly when your cramps are particularly bad. She made me feel like I was joining some secret club, a woman’s club. Because of my big sister, the grief I felt about growing up was less acute. Kitty likely won’t have either of her big sisters here, but she does have Ms. Rothschild, and she’s only just across the street. She’s grown so attached to Ms. Rothschild that she’ll probably prefer a period talk from her anyway, truth be told. Even if in the future Daddy and Ms.Rothschild were to break up, I know Ms. Rothschild would never turn her back on Kitty. They’re cemented.
    I’ll miss Kitty’s birthday, too. I’ve never not been at home for her birthday. I’ll have to remind Daddy to carry on our birthday-sign tradition.
    For the first time ever, all of the Song girls will be living truly apart. We three probably won’t ever live in the same house together again. We’ll come home for holidays and school breaks, but it won’t be the same. It won’t be what it was. But I suppose it hasn’t been, not since Margot left for college. The thing is, you get used to it. Before you even realize it’s happening, you get used to things being different, and it will be that way for Kitty too.
    At breakfast I keep stealing glances at her, memorizing every little thing. Her gangly legs, her knobby knees, the way she watches TV with a half smile on her face. She’ll only be as young as this for a little while longer. Before I leave, I should do more special things with her, just the two of us.
    At the commercial break she eyes me. “Why are you staring at me?”
    “No reason. I’m just going to miss you is all.”
    Kitty slurps the rest of her cereal milk. “Can I have your room?”
    “What? No!”
    “Yeah, but you won’t be living here. Why should your room just sit there and go to waste?”
    “Why do you want my room and not Margot’s? Hers is bigger.”
    Practically, she says, “Yours is closer to the bathroom and it’s got better light.”
    I dread change, and Kitty steps right into it. She leans in extra hard. It’s her way of coping. “You’ll miss me when I’m gone, I know it, so quit pretending you won’t,” I say.
    “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an only child,” she says in a singsong voice. When I frown, she hurries to say, “Only kidding!”
    I know Kitty’s just being Kitty, but I