Free Island of the Sequined Love Nun by Christopher Moore Page A

had been a mud skipper, after a couple of million years of dragging himself around the mudflat, he would have lost his patience and yelled, "Hey, can I get some feet over here!", thus moving evolution along.
    He was enjoying the superiority of the Monday morning quarterback (and in a world created in six days, what day but Monday could it be?), feeling a little smarter, a little more worldly than the mud skippers, when it occurred to him that he had no idea how to proceed. He could find the telecom center, if there was one, and contact the doctor, but then what would he do? Sit for two weeks on Yap until the Australians returned? Maybe they were wrong. Maybe there was a privately owned plane on the island. What about a dingy? How bad could it be? The sea looked calm enough. That's it, take to the sea.
    Or perhaps he should just stay on Yap and find a sympathetic woman to take his mind off the problem. It had always worked before, not to positive results, but it had worked, dammit. Women made him feel better. He ached for a Mary Jean Cosmetics consultant. A cool, thin, married woman, armored in pantyhose and a bulletproof bouffant. A sweet, shocked, backsliding Born Again on a one-time sin quest to remind her of why redemption was so so good. Mud skipper thinking.
    He was reeling with the heat and the lack of possibilities when he saw her, up ahead, walking by the water's edge, her back to him: a thin blonde in a flowered dress with a swing to her walk like a welcome home parade.

15 – The Navigator
    Out on the edge of the world, with no place to stay, no way to move on, no job, no life, no friends; hurt, confused, hot, thirsty, and irritated, Tuck was desperate. Desperate for just the momentary satisfaction that might come from attracting an attractive woman. No matter that he couldn't do anything about the attraction.
    What was she doing out here? Who cares? What a walk!
    He quickened his pace, his legs and shoulders protesting against the weight of his pack, and approached within a couple of steps of the blonde.
    "Excuse me," he called.
    She turned. Tuck stopped and backed up a step. Something is wrong here. Very, very wrong.
    "Oh, baby," she said, hand to her chest as if trying to catch her breath. "You scare little Kimi. Why you sneakin' up like that?"
    Tuck was dumbfounded. She wasn't a natural blonde. Her skin was dark and she had the high cheekbones and angular features of a Filipino. Long false eyelashes, bright red lipstick, but lines in the face that were a little too harsh, a jawline that was a little too square. The dress was tight around the chest and there was nothing there but muscle. She wore a huge black medallion at her throat that looked as if it was made of animal fur. She needed a shave.
    "I'm sorry," Tuck said. "I thought you were something-er, someone else."
    Then the medallion turned its head and looked at him. Tuck let out an involuntary scream and jumped back. The medallion was wearing tiny rhinestone sunglasses. It squeaked at Tucker. It was the biggest bat he had ever seen, hanging there upside down with its wings folded.
    "That's a bat!"
    "Fruit bat, baby. Don't be scared. This Roberto. He no like the light. He like you, though." Roberto squeaked again. He had the face of a fox or perhaps a small dog-a shaven Pomeranian with wings. "I'm Kimi. What you name, baby?" Kimi extended his hand limply to shake or perhaps for a kiss.
    Tuck took two fingers, keeping his eye on the bat. "Tucker Case. Nice to meet you, Kimi." He was horrified. Thirty seconds ago he'd been having lustful thoughts about a guy! A guy wearing a fruit bat!
    "You look like you need a date. Kimi love you good long time, twenny bucks. Whatever you need, Kimi can do."
    "No, thanks. I don't need a date. What I need is a boat."
    "Kimi can get boat. You like it in boat? Kimi take you round the world in a boat?" He giggled and patted Roberto's little upside-down head. "That funny, huh?"
    Tucker forced a smile. "No, I need a boat and