Free Frankenstein - According to by Spike Milligan

miles per hour. Why had I not followed him and closed
with him in mortal strife. Because he would have beat the shit out of me. I
shuddered to think who might be the next victim to be sacrificed to his
insatiate revenge — some poor bloody crofter would suddenly find himself being
hurled over a cliff. I resolved to fall before my enemy without a bitter
struggle.
    Leaving
thoughts of my bride, I went for a walk along the shore. When it became noon I
lay down on the grass, and was overpowered by a deep sleep. I awoke to find I
had been washed out to sea; I was a mile from the shore.
     
    Napoleon had gathered his army
for Moscow
    To his assistance I must go
    When we got to Moscow it was on
fire
    So we all had to retire
    The British arrested Napoleon and
to him couldn’t be meaner They imprisoned him on St Helena.
     
    Coming
ashore, I received a letter which recalled me to life and I determined to quit
my island at the expiration of two days. Yet before I departed there was a task
to perform, on which I shuddered to reflect. I must pack up my instruments — my
thermoreck, my buzzometer, my nauseaometer and the small porcelain statue of a
milkmaid. The next morning, at daybreak, I summoned sufficient courage and
unlocked the doors of my laboratory. The remains of the half-finished creature,
whom I had destroyed, lay scattered on the floor. She was everywhere. I paused
to collect myself, then I collected her. With trembling hands and revolving
knees I conveyed the instruments out of the room. I put all the apparatus, and
bits of the woman, in a basket.
    Between
two and three in the morning the moon rose, and so did I; then, putting my
basket aboard a little skiff with a great quantity of stones and some ham
sandwiches, I sailed four miles offshore. At one time the moon, which had
before been clear, was suddenly overspread by a thick cloud, and I took
advantage of the moment of darkness to cast my basket into the sea — and also
to eat my ham sandwiches. Having reached the shore, I slept soundly, awakening
every now and then to eat another ham sandwich. As there were twelve, they kept
me awake until the morning.
    I
pushed the boat from the shore. The wind was north-east, and must have driven
me far from the coast. I looked upon the sea; it was to be my grave. ‘Fiend,’ I
exclaimed, ‘your task is already fulfilled!’ For some reason I thought of
Elizabeth; I thought of my father and of Clerval and also of the 3rd BN Irish
Guards.
    Some
hours passed thus; but by degrees the sun declined away into a gende breeze and
the sea became free from the breakers. Mind you, from the age of this boat it
should have been at the breakers a long time ago. Suddenly, I saw a line of
high land towards the south.
    The
dreadful suspense I had endured for several hours suddenly caused a flood of
tears to gush from my eyes which started to fill the boat and I had to bail
out. I resolved to steer directly towards the town as a place where I could
most easily procure nourishment, beans on toast and Horlicks. Fortunately, I
had money with me, money which I would invest as soon as I was ashore.
    I
addressed some of the natives. ‘My good friends, would you be so kind as to
tell me the name of this town and a bank where I can invest my money.’
    ‘You
will know that soon enough,’ replied a man with a hoarse voice — so I offered
him a throat pastille. ‘Maybe this town will not prove to your taste.’
    I
did not understand. So far I had not tasted anything. I was surprised to
receive so rude an answer from a stranger. I was disconcerted at the frowning
and angry countenances of his companions. ‘Why do you answer me so roughly?’ I
replied. ‘I want my throat pastille back.’ ‘I do not know,’ said the man, ‘what
the custom of the English may be, but it is the custom of the Irish to hate
villains.’
    Oh
fuck! I had ended up in Ireland. I perceived the crowd rapidly increase from
six to 10,000.
    A
man said, ‘Begorra! you must follow