Free Children of the Mind (Ender, Book 4) (Ender Quartet) by Orson Scott Card

the work that really interests him."
    "But it doesn't interest me," said Ender. "I don't care."
    "You as Ender don't care because you as Peter and you as Valentine are taking care of everything else for you. Only Valentine isn't well. You're not caring enough about what she's doing. What happened to my old crippled body is happening to her. More slowly, but it's the same thing. She thinks so, Valentine thinks it's possible. So do I. So does Jane."
    "Give Jane my love. I do miss her."
    "I give Jane my love, Ender."
    Ender grinned at his resistance. "If they were about to shoot you, Miro, you'd insist on drinking a lot of water just so they'd have to handle a corpse covered with urine when you were dead."
    "Valentine isn't a dream or an illusion, Ender," said Miro, refusing to be sidetracked into a discussion of his own obstreperousness. "She's real, and you're killing her."
    "Awfully dramatic way of putting it."
    "If you'd seen her pull out tufts of her own hair this morning ..."
    "So she's rather theatrical, I take it? Well, you've always been one for the theatrical gesture, too. I'm not surprised you get along."
    "Andrew, I'm telling you you've got to --"
    Suddenly Ender grew stern and his voice overtopped Miro's even though he was not speaking loudly. "Use your head, Miro. Was your decision to jump from your old body to this newer model a conscious one? Did you think about it and say, 'Well, I think I'll let this old corpse crumble into its constituent molecules because this new body is a nicer place to dwell'?"
    Miro got his point at once. Ender couldn't consciously control where his attention went. His aiúa, even though it was his deepest self, was not to be ordered about.
    "I find out what I really want by seeing what I do," said Ender. "That's what we all do, if we're honest about it. We have our feelings, we make our decisions, but in the end we look back on our lives and see how sometimes we ignored our feelings, while most of our decisions were actually rationalizations because we had already decided in our secret hearts before we ever recognized it consciously. I can't help it if the part of me that's controlling this girl whose company you're sharing isn't as important to my underlying will as you'd like. As she needs. I can't do a thing."
    Miro bowed his head.
    The sun came up over the trees. Suddenly the bench turned bright, and Miro looked up to see the sunlight making a halo out of Ender's wildly slept-in hair. "Is grooming against the monastic rule?" asked Miro.
    "You're attracted to her, aren't you," said Ender, not really making a question out of it. "And it makes you a little uneasy that she is really me ."
    Miro shrugged. "It's a root in the path. But I think I can step over it."
    "But what if I'm not attracted to you ?" asked Ender cheerfully.
    Miro spread his arms and turned to show his profile. "Unthinkable," he said.
    "You are cute as a bunny," said Ender. "I'm sure young Valentine dreams about you. I wouldn't know. The only dreams I have are of planets blowing up and everyone I love being obliterated."
    "I know you haven't forgotten the world in here, Andrew." He meant that as the beginning of an apology, but Ender waved him off.
    "I can't forget it, but I can ignore it. I'm ignoring the world, Miro. I'm ignoring you, I'm ignoring those two walking psychoses of mine. At this moment, I'm trying to ignore everything but your mother."
    "And God," said Miro. "You mustn't forget God."
    "Not for a single moment," said Ender. "As a matter of fact, I can't forget anything or anybody. But yes, I am ignoring God, except insofar as Novinha needs me to notice him. I'm shaping myself into the husband that she needs."
    "Why, Andrew? You know Mother's as crazy as a loon."
    "No such thing," said Ender reprovingly. "But even if it were true, then ... all the more reason."
    "What God has joined, let no man put asunder. I do approve, philosophically, but you don't know how it ..." Miro's weariness swept over him then.