Free Science...For Her! by Megan Amram Page B

back into our carbon components. FIG. 2.11
    Science has always relied on innovative men (and women! Can I get a “ What Women Want starring Mel Gibson!!”), but even our most popular heroes age and die. That’s just how the carbon cycle works. Organisms are built-in death machines. All organisms experience biological aging, or senescence , if they survive all the other downfalls of day-to-day life (like accidents, illness, and killing yourself because you showed up to a party in the same romper as Alexis).
    FIG. 2.11
    CELEBRITIES are JUST LIKE US!

    MARILYN MONROE . . . DIES!
    Just like us “normies,” celebs like Marilyn Monroe eventually die and decompose into carbon and other life-supporting elements!
----

    MICHAEL JACKSON . . . DIES!
    So good to see that a huge star like Jacko isn’t above dying and being interred in the earth! More like he’s “below” it—six feet below it!
----

    WHITNEY HOUSTON . . . DIES!
    This “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” singer should have been singing “I Wanna Die in Some Tubby!” Because she died in a bathtub!

The Scientific Method
----
    If you’re looking for a fun way to practice your chemistry, you’ve come on the right face! Use that one with boys! :)
    The only way to really grasp chemistry is to get hands-on. You’re not going to learn it just by reading about it or drinking a bottle of wine and kissing your gymnastics coach in the locker room. The scientific method is a process by which scientists try to test hypotheses. I’ve adapted some classic experiments to better fit a woman’s lifestyle.
    Classic Science Experiments . . . for Her!
----
    If you need to make chemistry more fun than I’ve already made it (just add Cosmos! ;) No but really), here are some hands-on ways to test chemical reactions. I’ve taken classic grade-school science experiments and offered slightly updated versions for the modern woman.
MENTOS-AND-DIET-SODA FOUNTAIN
CLASSIC VERSION
    Put some Mentos in a bottle of diet soda and watch it explode! The numerous small pores on the candy’s surface catalyze the release of carbon dioxide (CO 2 ) gas from the soda, resulting in the rapid expulsion of copious quantities of foam.
FOR HER!
    Only eat Mentos and diet soda for two months and see how amazing you look and feel! Mentos have only ten calories per piece, and diet soda has no calories, so . . . on second thought, only drink the soda. Mentos are heavy, anyway!
BAKING-SODA-AND-VINEGAR VOLCANO
CLASSIC VERSION
    This experiment looks crazy but is safe as can be! Find a container that looks like a volcano (or make one out of papier-mâché) and fill it with a tiny bit of baking soda. Pour vinegar in after and watch it explode! The baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) is a base while the vinegar (acetic acid) is an acid. When they react they break apart into water and carbon dioxide, which creates all the fizzing as it escapes the solution.
FOR HER!
    Take the baking soda and vinegar and also 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder, 2 ounces red food coloring, 1 cup buttermilk, 1 cup rum, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, 1 / 2 cup shortening, 2 more cups rum, 1 1 / 2 cups white sugar, 1 tall glass rum with ice, 2 eggs, 2 1 / 2 cups all-purpose flour (sifted), 1 cup milk, 1 rum daiquiri, 5 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 cup white sugar, 1 cup butter, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract and make a red velvet cake! Then take that cake and give it to a homeless person who you want to turn fat and drink your dinner of diet soda! Doesn’t that feel amazing?!
DISSOLVING A BONE
CLASSIC VERSION
    dissolv ea goddam bone i don’t fucking care i drank all the rum that i bought for the red velvet cake. You know what??? you don’t even put rum in red velvet cake, i put that in the recipe so i could sip while i was writingthis but instead i drank the whol ething cuz im fuckin over it BORNING BORGNIN SCIENCE an im over u zander
FOR HER!
    i threw up on my bone fuc kme

Science . . . for