Free Science...For Her! by Megan Amram

tough one. Both formaldehyde (the chemical used to keep living flesh fresh after death) and diamonds (Ooooohhh!! Sparkly!!) are looking pretty trim on the red carpet with their carbon atoms. Diamond is looking a little bloated, however. Make sure your carbon atoms fit before you walk out the door. No one’s gonna care about your carbon if it makes you look fat. Formaldehyde wore it best! Diamonds, you look like a fat pig!
    Formaldehyde 87% | Diamonds 23%
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    Ammonia vs. Water
    Ammonia, used in many of your favorite cleaning products, is wearing hydrogen just like water. Sorry, ammonia, but water blows you out of the . . . oh, you know. ;) Water is putting the gorgeous hydrogen on display, while ammonia is burying it by going a little overboard.
    Ammonia 38% | Water 62%
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    Poop vs. Kim Kardashian
    Let’s just say: both these are messes!! Both are wearing bilirubin , which gives them their brown coloration. Kim is just trying too hard, as always. Poop wore it best!!
    Poop 81% | Kim 19%

The Periodic Table of the Elements
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    The periodic table organizes chemical elements based on their atomic numbers, electron configurations, and recurring chemical properties. Before the periodic table was organized by Dmitri Mendeleev in 1869, it was just thrown together all willy-nilly! You couldn’t find hydrogen if your life depended on it, and nitrogen was stashed under the sofa in the living room. FIG. 2.9 Everything was all over the place, like how druggies hide drugs in all the little nooks and crannies of their houses. Like, for example, where do you hide your drugs? Please write or e-mail me the answer and don’t skimp on the specifics!

    FIG. 2.9
    A chemical element is a pure chemical substance consisting of one type of atom distinguished by its atomic number, which is the number of protons in its nucleus. Elements are presented in order of increasing atomic number (number of protons). As of this writing, which is happening at 1:55 P.M. on May 26, 118 elements have been discovered or artificially created in a lab. I’m in a pizza parlor. I just ordered a kale salad and, to be honest, Xander is still very much on my mind. I told the pizza hostess that I needed a table for two because my boyfriend was going to meet me. I don’t know, I guess that’s lame. Call me crazy, but I just thought that MAYBE for ONCE Xander would get my extrasensory brain waves that I’ve been telegraphing to him through the smooth stone etched with the word “BREATHE” I have in my pocket and figure out that he had to be at dinner with me even though we broke up seven months ago and I shaved my name into his golden Lab. I know—that’s what every ex-girlfriend thinks. :(
    Periodic
    TABLE SETTINGS
    The periodic table is one of the most important building blocks of chemistry. But boy does it look drab! Here are five fun lady-ways to spice up a boring periodic table.
1
Arrange the boxes so the letters spell something cute like “Fe Rn.” Ferns are so cute!
2
Make all the boxes into a flower! Doesn’t matter which box goes where, as long as it’s a pretty flower!
3
Rearrange the table into one very long line. This will be slimming no matter what you’re wearing!
4
Erase all the letters in the boxes and make them all have little Hello Kitty heads in them instead.
5
Turn the periodic table into one big Sudoku and then have your husband do it for you!

THE PERIOD! ICK! TABLE
    What would a women’s science book be without a spotlight on periods? In this segment, I show a periodic table where every element represents a different aspect of menstruation!
1
    H
    H ormonal
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
3
    Li
    L ight flow
4
    Be
    Be havioral changes
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
11
    Na
    Na tural odor
12
    Mg
    15 mg of iron per menstruating day (recommended)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
19
    K
    K otex
20
    Ca
    Ca ked-on blood on a pad
21
    Sc
    Sc abs, It looks kind of like wet
22
    Ti
    Ti me of the month
23
    V
    V agina
24
    Cr
    Cr amps
25
    Mn
    “ Mn strtn” is what it would