Free Karlology by Karl Pilkington Page A

h in k is q uite a g oo d i d ea rea lly cos I w orr y about havin g to clear out me mam’s house when she dies. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with all them elves and gnomes she’s bought over the years. They had phot o g ra ph s o f t h e insi d e o f t h e tom b , an d a ll t h e stu ff seeme d to b e j ust c h uc k e d in. It wasn’t care f u lly stac k e d or even in an y kind of order, they just left it for the Kim & Aggie of the a f te rlif e to so r t out.
    “ G old … ever y w h ere t h e gl int o f g o ld ”, is w h at Howar d C arter sai d w h en h e fi rst entere d t h e tom b b ac k in 1922. I f t h e y d i d a Through the Keyhole type programme on tombs, y ou’d know from all the gold that this was King Tut’s place. Either his or Peter Stringfellow’s. Back then, gold was a si g n o f p ower. I t h in k Suzanne’s mam t h in k s t h is is sti ll t h e case as s h e a l wa y s wears as muc h g o ld j ewe ll er y as s h e can. Even when she nips out to Tesco’s for a loaf, she goes looking like Mr T. from T he A-T eam . An ot h e r f act O m ar S hari f voice d on t h e h ea d set was t h at King Tut was fi ve f oot six an d a b it g oo fy . T h at’s somet h in g e l se h e h a d in common w it h S uzanne’s mam.
    I read how Tutankhamun died at the age of nineteen f rom an infected knee. They’re guessing he injured it falling o ff a c h ariot. Dan g erous t h in g s, t h e y were. Deat h tra p s. T h e equiva l ent o f to d ay’s qua d b i k e i f you as k me. I met t h e o ld women a g ain as I was l oo k in g at a sma ll co ffi n made to hold Kin g Tut’s liver. All bod y p arts of kin g s were r emoved from the body back then and packed neatly into individual small, detailed boxes like some sort of posh Ha r r o d s h am p er. “T h at l iver is p ro b a bly in b etter s h a p e t h an J i lly Goo ld en’s”, sai d one o f t h e o ld women, w h i l e anot h e r w as discussin g how she’s sick of her husband kee p in g boxes f rom everything they buy, and another talked about how s h e’ d recyc l e more i f t h e b ins an d b oxes t h e counci l gave y ou l oo k e d as p rett y as t h ese b oxes. I d on’t t h in k t h e y were ta k in g an y notice o f w h at t h e y were l oo k in g at – t h e y ’ d have been just as happy walking round a car boot sale .
    The last thing I read about was the curse of Tutankh a mun. T h ere was su pp ose d to b e a curse k i ll in g o ff a ll t h ose wh o entere d t h e tom b . It was re p orte d t h at t h ere were 26 deaths caused b y the curse, includin g that of Howard Carter. Even years on in the 70s, when the tomb toured America, a museum security man h a d a mi ld stro k e t h at h e t h in k s was cause d by t h e curse. I d on’t l i k e h earin g a b out t h in g s l i k e this as my brain starts playing tricks on me. I started thinking I felt a bit ill. I told Suzanne I thought I’d caught the curse. She told me not to be stupid and that it was probably j ust t h e un d ercoo k e d ome l ette I h a d ear l ier .





The Bodies exhibition
    IT ’ S L I KE T HE S T AR T o f t h e L o n do n M a r at h o n . Th e pace is set by the people at the front, but none of these r unners are d resse d as r h inos , Postman Pat or fi remen rai s ing mone y f or c h arit y . Instea d t h e crow d is ma d e u p o f b usinessmen wit h b rie f cases, stu d ents wit h ruc k sac k s an d w omen with babies in prams. This was the 200-metre dash f rom t h e station concourse to coac h A , seat 32 on t h e 10:36 am Vir g in train from L o n do n E usto n to M a n c h este r Pi c ca d i lly , as it’s announce d t h at t h e train is rea dy to b oar d on p latform 14. E ven though I’d booked somewhere to sit I still had to join the race as they sometimes don’t have time to put reservation car d s on t h e seats. T h is time t h ey h a d . S e at 32 was a win d ow l ess seat f acin g b ac k war d s in a car r iage t h at d i d n’t h ave wor k ing