Free Karlology by Karl Pilkington

take it any more). The problem w as, the place was too big so there was loads of tat. It’s like wh en someone b u y s a b i g h ouse – t h e y nee d to b u y l oa d s o f f urniture t h e y d on’t nee d j ust to fill t h e s p ace, ot h erwise it e nds u p lookin g cold and bare. I’ve g ot a mate who’s g ot a b ig house – I’d say too big, as he’s got a dead stuffed owl on a s h e lf . I ain’t got room f or a l iving ow l , never min d a d ea d o ne. I’ve h ear d g o ldfi s h g row to t h e size o f t h eir surroun d ing s; so does furniture. You only have to look at pictures o f the inside of Buckingham Palace to see what I mean. They have lamp shades the size of Smart cars in there. The w a y I see it, i f y ou l ive in a h ouse t h at y ou can b u y a so f a f or wit h out h aving to worry i f it wi ll fi t t h roug h t h e f ront d oor, y our h ouse is too b i g . Give h umans a s p ace an d we’ ll fill it. I’d be ha pp ier livin g in a wi g wam .
    We finished our trip to the Dome with a few moments in the Chillout Zone, which was a mini-dome where you cou ld sit in d ar k ness an d esca p e f rom a ll t h e noise y ou’ d p ai d £20 to see. I t h in k it was an area meant f or Bur g e r K in g but the builders hadn’t g ot the electrics done in time.
    Visiting the Millennium Dome was like walking round o ne b ig, giant poun d s h op – l oa d s o f stu ff , none o f it use f u l . W e l e f t, sa y in g we’ d never return .
    E i gh t y ears on an d t h e Dome h as b ecome a success f u l music and exhibition venue. Today we’re off to see the Tu t ankhamun show. Suzanne has always wanted to visit Egypt b ut I’ve never f ancie d it as wa lk in g on san d wears me out, so I t h ou gh t I’ d ta k e h er to see t h is s h ow instea d . A b i g g olden si g n above the man y entrances read T utankhamun a nd the Golden Age of the Pharaohs . Under that a smaller sign: 50th Anniversary Tour: The Osmonds. Book NOW
    I h a d a d o dgy ome l ette in one o f t h e b ars (Suzanne h a d co ld e ggy b rea d ) an d t h en t h e d oors to t h e ex h i b ition were o pened. We joined the queue. There was a mixed bag o f p eople – all different ages and sizes. We had a party of five old women b e h in d us w h o were a ll excite d , not cos t h e y w ere l oo k in g f orwar d to t h e ex h i b ition b ut cos t h e y ’ d j ust spotted Jilly Goolden the wine critic buying a ticket. We p aid £22 each plus £4 for the audio commentary device t h at g ives y ou in f ormation on w h at y ou’re l oo k in g at. It was voice d by Omar S h ari f . His h us ky E gyp tian voice g ui d e d us into the darkened tomb as E gyp tian music p la y ed. Candl e l ight flickered to reveal glimpses of Egyptian-style doodles o n t h e wa ll s. It was l i k e b eing t h ere 3000 years ago – t h at w as unti l a securit y man as k e d me to ta k e me woo lly h at o ff an d to ld me to wa lk t h rou gh t h e meta l d etector. T h at neve r happened to Indiana Jones.



 
    We were then shown a short video that informed us that Tutan kh amun’s d eat h mas k was not inc l u d e d in t h e s h ow as it’s too f ra g i l e to trans p ort, b ut t h e y sai d t h e y ’ d ma d e u p for it b y brin g in g more “treasures”. B y “treasures” the y meant jugs and vases. Loads and loads of them, and when y ou’ve seen one Egyptian jug, you’ve seen t h em a ll . You g o f rom b ein g amaze d by t h e a g e an d d etai l o f t h e j u g s an d vases to feelin g like y ou’re in the kitchen section at Ikea. Everything had an eagle or a snake drawn on it. If you’d b roken a plate or a bit of furniture back in ancient Egypt, it wou ld h ave b een eas y to fi n d a re pl acement to fi t wit h t h e rest o f y our co ll ection. A ll t h e stu ff on s h ow was g ea r that had been p ut in the tomb with Kin g Tut. The y buried a ll your b e l ongings wit h you b ac k t h en f or you to use in t h e a f ter l i f e, w h ic h I t