Free Karlology by Karl Pilkington Page B

air con an d h a d a f aint sme ll of sic k . As I sat d own, an announcement was ma d e to l et p assen g ers know there would be no hot drinks served on today’s journey, as there was no hot water available. I can’t b elieve this is the same company that in three years time is pl annin g on ta k in g p assen g ers to outer s p ace an d b ac k . “ Lon d on Euston, we h ave a k ett l e p ro bl em. ”
    P ublic transport is pretty grim in London. Just a few w eeks ago I got caught in the rain with no coat, so jumped into t h e b ac k o f a par k e d bl ac k ca b wit h steame d -up win d ows to fi n d t h e d river sat t h ere p eein g into a pl astic Kia - O ra b ott l e t h at h e’ d sawn in h a lf.
    “Give me a minute will you pal”, he said.
    “ Oh sorry”, I said, as if I’d just barged into someone in a toi l et cu b ic l e t h at h a d a b ro k en l oc k . I s h ou ld h ave j ust w a lk e d o ff , b ut instea d I stoo d waitin g in t h e rain f or h im to finish. A few moments later he popped out.
    “ Sorry guv, I keep forgetting to lock the doors” – which sai d to me it’s o b vious l y somet h ing t h at h appens a l ot. He t h en p oure d t h e contents o f t h e b ott l e d own a near by g ri d . I ti pp e d h im at t h e en d o f t h e j ourne y , not f or h is g reat service but just cos I didn’t want change that had been in hi s u nw as h ed h a n ds.
    O n t h e train I was surroun d e d by p assen g ers. T h er e w ere two sa l esmen , a k i d w h ose d a d was in a d i ff erent ca r r ia g e, an o ld woman wit h a cou gh , an d a woman w h o’ d stocked u p on Prin g les and g ossi p ma g azines. She started r eading them as soon as she sat down. She was in a different z one – she was so into reading the latest gossip on Jordan, K err y Katona an d Paris Hi l ton t h at s h e wasn’t even aware of t h e o ld woman cou gh in g or t h e b ore d k i d k ic k in g t h e bac k o f h e r c h a ir . I ca ll ed m e A u nty Nora to tell her I was o n the train and that if all goes to plan I should get to her h ouse in a b out two an d h a lf h ours. I t h en got out my b oo k o n t h e h uman b o dy to see w h at I cou ld l earn b e f ore g oin g to t h e Bo d ies ex h i b ition .
    The exhibition was put together by a fella called G u n t h er von Hagens. He displays “anatomical specimens using a p rocess ca ll e d pl astination”. In ot h er wor d s, rea l d ea d b o d ies stri pp e d o f t h eir s k in an d t h en varnis h e d . He g ets awa y w ith doing this as he’s an anatomist. Y ou can get away with murder if you’re in the right job. I heard recently that some scientists somew h ere are b ui ld ing a massive mac h ine d eep un d er g roun d t h at wi ll ena bl e t h em to recreate t h e b i g b an g ( an d y et I g et to ld to turn m y stereo d own by t h e nei gh bours, otherwise I’d get done for noise pollution. A nyway, the exhibition shows the human body broken down and e ver y p art cut o p en f or p eo pl e to see an d l earn f rom. A ll f or £ 10 .
    I rea d some b o dy f acts f rom m y b oo k:
    T h e h uman s k e l eton is ma d e u p o f 206 b ones .
    W e h ave more b ones w h en we are b orn t h en t h ey f use toget h er .
    A cold brain works better than a warm brain.
    There are normall y around 100,000 hairs on the head. Blon d p eo pl e h ave more, wit h aroun d 130,000, an d g in g er p eo pl e h av e l ess, at aroun d 90,000. Some would say that’s 90,000 too man y.
    I t was h ar d to concentrate on my b oo k f or two reasons, (1) p ro b a bly b ein g t h at t h e air con d i d n’t wor k – an d I’ d j ust rea d t h at b rains d on’t wor k we ll in h eat; an d (2) b ein g that one of the salesmen never stopped talking. If he wasn’t talking, he was crunching on Maltesers. He was explainin g to t h e j unior sa l esman h ow h e a l wa y s b oo k s t h e same seat o n t h e train. W h en t h e j unior as k e d w hy , h e sai d , “Sim pl e. P ower point for