Free Something To Dream On by Diane Rinella

walking me to my door. It was one of the most perfect evenings I could imagine.
    With a sigh of bliss, I drift off to sleep …

    I’m walking through a valley. Beneath me are patches of green among a desert of sand and dry grass.
    My bare feet trudge through the heat. Each step sizzles as I seek patch after patch of cool grass and pieces of shade. Every time a breeze brushes the hair from my face, I long to stop and enjoy the peace, yet my feet keep moving.
    In the distance, a rainbow sprouts from a field of grass and wild flowers. I run toward it, stop in the middle of the field, spread my arms, and then twirl in the glory of comfort and light. My eyes close off the world so I can savor the cool air as it whiffs up my nose, bringing in the scent of flowers. I smile, reveling in the glory of life.
    Suddenly I tense. I know what comes next, but this is all in my mind, so logically, I can control it. I just have to stay locked on the bliss.
    My body loses all weight as it floats heavenward. No! This can’t be happening!
    I try to return to Earth. As my will deepens, my body descends. The grass below tickles the tips of my toes. I can do this! I can stay!
    A force yanks me upward and into the heavens. My eyes open to find I’m among a cluster of stars. On the ground below, a figure races into the field where I just stood. She throws open her hands, twirls, and falls to the ground, spreading her arms like the wings of an angel, as if claiming the land as her own. A sense of injustice fills my heart. I want what is mine, yet a sense of peace keeps me tethered to the stars.

    My cell phone feels like a brick weighing down my hand, but it’s not as heavy as the burden I’ve been carrying. Mom told me to wait ninety days. That mark has long passed. Tonight I was given a sobriety chip to show for it.
    I bounce my leg wildly to release tension. Etta’s head rests on my other leg, while her eyes gaze intently on my hands. It only takes pressing one more button to take the first step in correcting the last of my horrible wrongs. I’m a heart-felt apology away from putting our relationship on the mend, yet I can’t bring myself to place the call.
    What if Mom comes unglued? What if she doesn’t believe me? Could I handle it? Would I slide backward?
    That’s ridiculous. Mom gave me chance after chance because she knew I could recover. She even said it in the note when she kicked me out. Her other son recovered, and she accepted him. No problems, no questions.
    And then he died anyway, which is why I turned into such a disaster.
    Calling Mom always seems like it should be such an easy thing, but once I start thinking about it, so many little things pop into my head that I want a drink to calm my nerves. Then I couldn’t call her because I wouldn’t be sober anymore. Instead I would be back on the road to self-destruction.
    Etta nuzzles my leg, grabbing my attention. She then nods to the coffee table. She’s right. If I am that worried about blowing it, I shouldn’t take the risk. I need to cut myself some slack and follow the path that I know will keep me clean.
    The phone is exchanged for my latest reading assignment. I’m sorry, Mom, but I can’t do this yet. I can’t face how much I let you down. You, the woman who raised two boys on her own while working two, and sometimes three jobs. The woman who let me stay with her because I kept promising to clean up. You held on to faith in me until I pushed you too far. I need to find the right words to apologize for that, but I don’t think they exist.
    Not only did I lose a father, a grandfather, and then a brother, I watched you lose your husband, your dad, and your first son. Then I forced you to lose me. What words start that apology?
    Maybe if I stop thinking about it, someday the words will come.

CHAPTER FOUR
    Monday, May 8

    Ambushed.
    The moment I get home from work and step inside my apartment there is company on my tail—company with sweet breath that tickles my ear