Free Why She Buys by Bridget Brennan

ritual is played out. 19 Here’s how it works:
I put myself down .
You pull me back up .
You put yourself down .
I pull you back up .
    That’s the cadence of female communication.
My turn to make you feel good .
Your turn to make me feel good .
Everybody gets a turn .
    And as you’ve no doubt witnessed on Monday mornings at the office, compliments are one of the most powerful ways that women connect with each other. Women use compliments as verbal shortcuts to make someone else feel good. “Did you get that new blouse this weekend? It’s gorgeous!”Female friends have been known to pass hours in conversation complimenting, reassuring, and validating one another while downing coffee and listening to each other’s problems.
    Why are women so prolific with their compliments? Society tells women that one of their biggest jobs is to look beautiful. This not-so-subtle message is borne out in magazines, advertisements, videos, movies, television shows, and virtually every other medium, visual or not. (How many times has the word hot been used in a song?) Appearance is one of the primary things that women are judged on, and so they appreciate hearing reassurances that they’re making the grade. All women intuitively understand this, and subsequently provide each other with reassurances in the form of compliments. Men are often oblivious to this pressure, because they’re judged on other criteria besides their looks and bodies. Have you ever heard of a bathing suit cover-up for men? No, of course not. Men aren’t taught to be ashamed if they don’t have a perfect body. Women are. Which explains why men are bewildered by women’s endless compliments, and why women seek them out.
    Female friendships are a critical and somewhat overlooked aspect of women’s lives. An afternoon with the girls can make a stressed-out female feel like a new woman. This is because of oxytocin, that pleasure-enhancing chemical in the body that’s released any time women are under stress, as well as when they’re with the people they care about. 20 Each positive interaction with friends becomes like a mini high. Women actually have a physiological reaction to being with good friends and hearing all the laughter, supportive words, and compliments, and this is heightened when touching and hugging are involved.
    The best part about receiving compliments is that they work equally well whether given by your best friend or the stranger standing next to you in the grocery store. It’s all about affirmation and rationalizing each other’s decisions: “Yes, Christie, that haircut really does work on you.” And when it comes to buying products, especially big-ticket items, women look for help rationalizing everything from a haircut to a new car.
    In female culture, affirmation and appreciation are closely related. Women are the queens of the thank-you gesture, and options for displaying their gratitude know no bounds. The world of thank-you notes, thank-you gifts, and thank-you bouquets is the domain of the female sex. Gratitude is given enthusiastically, with exclamation points, even for the smallest of acts: “Oh my God, thanks for picking me up this morning, you saved my life!” You can be sure that the gender that displays gratitude on such a large scale expects it in return when they give their business to a company. They often end up disappointed, which is why it can be such a competitive advantage if you put even the smallest effort into an appreciation program.
    The Oprah Effect
    I T’S hard to think of someone who connects with women more effectively than Oprah Winfrey. She relates to women of every demographic in three powerful ways: through affirmation, through self-disclosure, and through compliments. Oprah never invented anything; she has no factories; there are no trucks loaded with her inventory cruising down the highways. Her fortune and her influence have come from herability to connect with women. Like the late Princess Diana,