Free Calamity Jayne Goes to College by Kathleen Bacus

backpack for my digital camera and pulled it out.
    "What are you doing?" Dixie asked as the Suburban made contact with the gravel shoulder and she fell to the side.
    I turned the camera on, waited for the green light to appear, and pointed it in her direction.
    "I'm recording this moment for posterity," I said. Pressing the button I added, "The first documented occasion of Dixie the
     Destructor sniveling and whining like a little girl. Well, except for that time you were drunk as a skunk, but we won't go
     there. Smile!" I snapped a picture.
    "Why am I not surprised at your insensitivity?" she asked as we continued our leisurely pursuit. "And you're hardly an expert
     on relationships. Frankie tells me you haven't had a real date in over a year."
    I looked over at her. "Why, that little pipsqueak! Did he also tell you I had to swear an oath to Lacey Simon that Taylor
     would tutor her in Algebra Two if she went to the senior prom with Frankie? Or that I used to catch him practicing how to
     kiss in the mirror at the Dairee Freeze? By the way, he doesn't still do that, does he?" I asked. "Or how about the fact that
     the guy is twenty-five and you're the first girl he's ever brought home to meet his parents?"
    Dixie looked over at me. "I am?" she asked, and I could swear her eyes were beginning to water. "Honest?"
    Great. First a whiney Dixie Daggett and now? Now I was looking at a barrel about to runneth over with teardrops. Big ones.
     How do you spell "hormonal"?
    I shrugged. "My point is, if I've being going through a bit of a dry spell in the romance department, my dear cousin, by contrast,
     pitched a freakin' tent in the Sahara for most of his life," I said.
    "Until I came along," Dixie said. The dreamy look on her face made me want to whack her one. "Where's Keith going, do ya think?"
     she asked, as we both watched the taillights ahead of us.
    "I dunno. The crimes we're dealing with pertain to automobiles, right?" I said. "So, if the pattern holds true and if Mr.
     Gardner is our guy, then he should try to do something vehicular."
    "Holy shit! I knew it. We're gonna crash Frank's SUV," she said.
    "Relax. We're only going twenty miles per hour. What could happen?" I assured her.
    "That's what you said before you found yourself elbow deep in some dead guy's brain," Dixie reminded me. I shuddered. I'd
     been trying to get that picture of the morgue out of my head, but thanks to Unibrow it was back, playing front and center
     on the big screen of my subconscious. In living color. Or maybe not. Thanks, Dix.
    The truck in front of us suddenly sped up and took a fast left.
    "What now?" I said.
    "He's speeding up!"
    "Oh, really? Ya think?" I shook my head and increased my speed proportionately.
    "Uh, what are you doing?"
    "I guess you could say we're in pursuit," I said.
    "Oh no, we're not!" she snapped.
    "Oh yes, we are," I said.
    "Shit!"
    "Nice language," I commented, keeping my attention on the truck in front of us. "Do you talk like that around Uncle Frank?"
     I asked. " 'Cause I'm pretty sure that might be one reason he hasn't welcomed you with open arms. Not everyone likes the idea
     of a gal who swears like a truck driver raising his grandkids. I can see it now. Everyone in eager anticipation of Baby Bar-lowe's
     first word. Cameras at the ready to record the joyous event. And out of the mouth of Baby Barlowe comes... 'Shit!' Yep, one
     for the DVD collection for sure."
    "Well, according to your brother, your first word was 'poo,' so you don't have much room to talk," Dixie countered.
    "Oh? Didn't you know? My brother, the poor, sick, delusional dear, was sent away as a child for a rather long stay in a mental
     hospital. He wasn't around much when we were growing up," I lied. "Besides, if I did say 'poo'--and I'm not saying I did--it
     was because my favorite teddy toy was Winnie the Pooh, so that's the 'Pooh' I was talking about."
    The dark truck in front of us had really picked up the pace. I responded