Free The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups by Harry Fisch, Karen Moline Page A

become close to and develop a passionate love for gay men who can give them the emotional connection they seek and haven’t always gotten from heterosexual partners.
    Believe me, I am not being judgmental when I say I think that most women I’ve seen whose partners are gay know deep down that they are. In retrospect, some of the signs were there. If you know this and the relationship works for you, and you’re both happy, I say more power to you. However, I don’t think that most couples who are living in such denial can sustain that happiness over a lifetime.
    Here’s one rather extreme example I witnessed in my office. The reasons why Brendan and Lucinda came to see me spilled out quickly. Brendan was suffering from premature ejaculation, and Lucinda admitted that she was toying with the idea of bringing another woman into their relationship to spice up their sex life. (Not exactly what I’d call a realistic plan.) I immediatelyhad a feeling there was a lot more to this story than what they had told me.
    “Well, Lucinda, since Brendan isn’t satisfying you, you think bringing in another woman could liven up your relationship. You need to tell Brendan what you want in the bedroom that would satisfy your desires, while still communicating your love for him in that fantasy. So what do you need Brendan to do to make sex more satisfying for you?”
    Brendan interrupts. “Do I need to bring another man in?”
    There it was. I knew exactly how this conversation was going to end.
    “No! Of course not!” Lucinda said, looking shocked. “I don’t want another man in the bedroom with us. Having a threesome with another woman is my fantasy. And if you’re interested in other women, this way we can both have fun.”
    Brendan frowned. “I don’t want to do that. I might be interested in dating another man… I’ve been having these feelings for men lately.”
    Lucinda looked even more shocked.
    “Lucinda,” I said gently, “think about how you just reacted when Brendan said he wanted to be with another man. I think you now understand how he felt when you said you wanted to be with another woman. Do you really want to do that, or are you looking for ways to get Brendan more interested in sex again?”
    “But this is the first time Brendan has said anything like that. I can’t believe it,” she added, on the verge of tears. “At least he already knew about my fantasies. I haven’t acted on them or anything like that. I honestly don’t know if I could, anyway. And now he’s telling me he wants to have sex with a man.”
    “Brendan, do you really want to have sex with another man?” I asked him. “Have you had sex with another man?”
    Brendan looked only a little sheepish—not because having sex with men is wrong, but because he was about to not only admit to cheating but to being gay.
    “Yes, I have. Lucinda, honestly, I’m really sorry. I am. I’ve been having oral sex with another man.”
    Lucinda burst into tears. “For how long?”
    “For about two months,” Brendan confessed. “For as long as I haven’t been able to ejaculate with you. I’m sorry.”
    “Go on,” I prompted.
    “Lucinda, I’m gay,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I love men. It’s over. I want to move on, and I need to move out. I’m sorry, but I have to.”
    This wasn’t the most tactful way to drop such a bombshell on a loving wife, was it? Lucinda became distraught, and their marriage was irrevocably shattered.
    Not every couple dealing with a similar, albeit less extreme situation will see the relationship end, of course. As I said already, some couples work it out and are content with their sexual and emotional lives. What makes these relationships work is loving honesty about each other’s needs and desires.
    If you’re wondering how to broach the topic, it might be helpful to use a neutral third party, such as a marital counselor or trusted